2013 was overall a better year for us despite going through our fourth miscarriage which ended quite early. Our second IVF cycle was very successful and I had worked through many issues about feeling quite alone and abandoned in this process. I now have a very small, close group of people who I can talk to about not only the status of where we are at but how I am feeling. I was always on the introvert/extrovert border as I am quite shy around new people but had a large social circle. Over the past few years I have become more introverted around some people who I do know, and less outgoing even around those I'm close to. But...I'm okay with that.
Gerry and I are on the island having a mini family vacation with Moshi at a beautiful bed and breakfast. Our family may not be as big as we had wanted at this point in our lives, but I'm happy it's just us.
So on NYE, I know that with our remaining frozen embryos, 2014 is either going to be a good year or very difficult. Either way, all I hope for is the strength to get through it.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Oh, that...
Yesterday I defended my Master's thesis. After four years I finally finished it and I am very proud of that accomplishment. Then it hit me today that it is time to look at when we are going to try implanting our latest batch of frozen embryos. Oh, that...
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Cohorts
Today, I landed in the next age cohort illustrated in the countless infertility graphs found online and at our clinic. Age 38-40 tends to be a common cluster where the pregnancy success rate lowers, but not as drastically as when you hit age 40. Apparently I'm a 38 year old with fabulous eggs, and with the infusion of my husband's hand-picked-magical-sperm, they produce spectacular embryos. But, it's been 4 years now of trying to conceive a viable pregnancy and I've got a couple decent years left before it might be time to call it a day. On Friday I made sure to touch up my grey hair before this blessed event to reduce the sting of being moved into this cohort of even higher-anxiety-prone women. So as much as I was dreading my birthday, I also started to embrace it. No crying on your birthday!
A couple days ago I was chatting with a friend of mine who was approaching age 50. We talked about how much we thought we knew when we were in our early twenties and how we challenged things via our actions, conversational debates, and mannerisms. I reflected that I've mellowed a lot over the years, and it wasn't until my early thirties where I started noticing that I did not care much for, or chose purposely to not overly exert my opinion in discussing politics, family squabbles, unhealthy conflict, etc. My energy was best used elsewhere. My friend said, "See, THAT comes with age". I agreed.
I think this patience and purposeful energy redirection (for lack of a better phrase) comes from aging in regards to "this issue is really nothing compared to some other shit going on", and also due to our infertility roller coaster which requires myself to give up having much control over my life direction, thereby learning to be patient and somewhat accepting throughout the journey. THAT will make me either a better parent one day, or a childless woman with other fruits to bear.
A couple days ago I was chatting with a friend of mine who was approaching age 50. We talked about how much we thought we knew when we were in our early twenties and how we challenged things via our actions, conversational debates, and mannerisms. I reflected that I've mellowed a lot over the years, and it wasn't until my early thirties where I started noticing that I did not care much for, or chose purposely to not overly exert my opinion in discussing politics, family squabbles, unhealthy conflict, etc. My energy was best used elsewhere. My friend said, "See, THAT comes with age". I agreed.
I think this patience and purposeful energy redirection (for lack of a better phrase) comes from aging in regards to "this issue is really nothing compared to some other shit going on", and also due to our infertility roller coaster which requires myself to give up having much control over my life direction, thereby learning to be patient and somewhat accepting throughout the journey. THAT will make me either a better parent one day, or a childless woman with other fruits to bear.
Picture of Moshi this morning: I was playing peek-a-boo with her with our bedcover (don't judge, this is my blog) and on the third one she made a giant leap from sitting position on the floor to the edge of our very high captain's bed, a place she is not allowed unless invited up only a few special times of the year.
I guess she knew today was special and didn't need an invitation.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Sunrise
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Local bereaved parents were able to get BC Place stadium to recognize this day by changing their lights to purple and blue on October 15th. We woke up this morning to this beautiful site from the view of our bedroom.
p.s. Big day - I copied this post to my Facebook account. Trying to be a bit indirectly open about myself.
BC Place glows purple and blue to raise awareness for pregnancy and infant loss
For immediate release
BC Place glows purple and blue to raise awareness for pregnancy and infant loss
October 15, 2013 has been proclaimed Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day by the Province of British Columbia. This is an important acknowledgement of the trauma and grief that hundreds of families face after the devastating tragedy of the death of their baby. Vancouver will join other major Canadian cities in marking this day thanks to BC Place, which will light up the stadium roof in purple and blue on October 15 in remembrance and honour of the children who have died far too early.
In 2011 BC Vital Statistics reported 441 stillbirths and 167 infant deaths in British Columbia alone. These statistics do not include the high number of miscarriages that occur before 20 weeks of pregnancy. Despite the technological and medical advances in other fields of medicine, the rate of stillbirth in developed countries has not declined significantly over the past 20 years and often the cause of a stillbirth remains unknown.
Additionally, the death of a child is a stigmatized tragedy. It is only rarely talked about in public despite a growing number of bereaved families who blog about their experience or speak up publicly to bring awareness to these tragedies. "To me one of the big shocks was how many people came forward and told us about their own story of loss after our first son had died. We would have never known otherwise." says Jens Locher who initiated the BC Childloss Support Network (BCCSN).
"The story of each family is unique with its own challenges and there will likely never be simple guidelines how to support bereaved parents. However, many parents seem to struggle with the lack of acknowledgement of the existence of their babies." October 15 provides an opportunity for everyone to reach out in a sensitive way to friends or colleagues who have lost a child. A little note that a candle is lit in memory of a child, or mentioning their names are just two ways to remember the children.
If you would like to make a financial contribution there are many fantastic initiatives and organizations in British Columbia that provide invaluable support to bereaved parents, such as Canuck Place Children's Hospice, Still Life Canada or Little Spirits Garden.
BC Place glows purple and blue to raise awareness for pregnancy and infant loss
October 15, 2013 has been proclaimed Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day by the Province of British Columbia. This is an important acknowledgement of the trauma and grief that hundreds of families face after the devastating tragedy of the death of their baby. Vancouver will join other major Canadian cities in marking this day thanks to BC Place, which will light up the stadium roof in purple and blue on October 15 in remembrance and honour of the children who have died far too early.
In 2011 BC Vital Statistics reported 441 stillbirths and 167 infant deaths in British Columbia alone. These statistics do not include the high number of miscarriages that occur before 20 weeks of pregnancy. Despite the technological and medical advances in other fields of medicine, the rate of stillbirth in developed countries has not declined significantly over the past 20 years and often the cause of a stillbirth remains unknown.
Additionally, the death of a child is a stigmatized tragedy. It is only rarely talked about in public despite a growing number of bereaved families who blog about their experience or speak up publicly to bring awareness to these tragedies. "To me one of the big shocks was how many people came forward and told us about their own story of loss after our first son had died. We would have never known otherwise." says Jens Locher who initiated the BC Childloss Support Network (BCCSN).
"The story of each family is unique with its own challenges and there will likely never be simple guidelines how to support bereaved parents. However, many parents seem to struggle with the lack of acknowledgement of the existence of their babies." October 15 provides an opportunity for everyone to reach out in a sensitive way to friends or colleagues who have lost a child. A little note that a candle is lit in memory of a child, or mentioning their names are just two ways to remember the children.
If you would like to make a financial contribution there are many fantastic initiatives and organizations in British Columbia that provide invaluable support to bereaved parents, such as Canuck Place Children's Hospice, Still Life Canada or Little Spirits Garden.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Poolside
We're on vacation in Palm Springs for a week before we head to San Diego for the second week. We were happy that our room at the resort was 20 feet away from the pool, so it was really right in our backyard. Then we found out it was the family pool. There was another family pool and two other adult pools in the resort and we thought about whether we should head somewhere more quiet, especially because I need to work on my Master's project this first week. Gerry said he'ld rather choose kids over drunken adults, and I agreed albeit reminding him that years ago we too were drunken adults at the pool. He nodded. No wonder the hot tub was empty at night, they were all putting the kids to bed. Woo-hoo!
Despite the front desk saying they were at full capacity, the resort was very quiet. The first day at our pool had three young families and a couple of seniors. I knew all the kids names just by overhearing the conversations: Cameron, Dylan, Mason.... One 31 year old mom of two kids who was a couple years older than her husband was called a cougar by another dad. Then I would overhear the moms talk of pregnancy stretch marks, breast feeding dilemmas, and then tales of their friends who have bad morning sickness. One had responded "that's soooo sad". I bit my lip and put my headphones on. Another mom, when responding to joining them on vacation next year, said she should be pregnant again by then so they cannot commit yet. I turned up the music some more. The dads multi-tasked between football updates on their ipads, and picking up a towel a toddler threw in the pool then covering the toddler with the wet towel. Why can't the dads just be at poolside?
Then for the rest of the week, no more kids....just 2-4 senior couples. One couple was skyping with their grandchild. Another had just retired. We were the youth of the club. Despite my happiness for peace and quiet and my ability to relax as much as possible given the qualitative data coding in progress, I then realized we didn't fit in with either group. So, where do the childless couples vacation? Aren't there more of us?
Despite the front desk saying they were at full capacity, the resort was very quiet. The first day at our pool had three young families and a couple of seniors. I knew all the kids names just by overhearing the conversations: Cameron, Dylan, Mason.... One 31 year old mom of two kids who was a couple years older than her husband was called a cougar by another dad. Then I would overhear the moms talk of pregnancy stretch marks, breast feeding dilemmas, and then tales of their friends who have bad morning sickness. One had responded "that's soooo sad". I bit my lip and put my headphones on. Another mom, when responding to joining them on vacation next year, said she should be pregnant again by then so they cannot commit yet. I turned up the music some more. The dads multi-tasked between football updates on their ipads, and picking up a towel a toddler threw in the pool then covering the toddler with the wet towel. Why can't the dads just be at poolside?
Then for the rest of the week, no more kids....just 2-4 senior couples. One couple was skyping with their grandchild. Another had just retired. We were the youth of the club. Despite my happiness for peace and quiet and my ability to relax as much as possible given the qualitative data coding in progress, I then realized we didn't fit in with either group. So, where do the childless couples vacation? Aren't there more of us?
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
This is Water
Here is a link to an excellent video based on a commencement address by David Foster Wallace. Not sure how long this will be up because of copyright issues. What I liked the most is the part in the grocery store where it shows how we often judge others for their behaviours and actions without knowing their story.
Some people, as I have encountered, judge others about their family status, decisions they make in order to have a family, or their behaviours or actions in social situations - again, without knowing the story.
Well worth nine minutes:
http://www.upworthy.com/the-earth-shatteringly-amazing-speech-that-ll-change-the-way-you-think-about-adulthood-4?g=2
Some people, as I have encountered, judge others about their family status, decisions they make in order to have a family, or their behaviours or actions in social situations - again, without knowing the story.
Well worth nine minutes:
http://www.upworthy.com/the-earth-shatteringly-amazing-speech-that-ll-change-the-way-you-think-about-adulthood-4?g=2
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
In the news...
Sometimes I hate reading the paper or watching the news. This story is horrific. Our system is so screwed up that these poor children could not be placed back with their parents or adopted. There is more on this story I couldn't bring myself to read about adults who knew of the childrens' endangerment, but did nothing.
http://www.theprovince.com/news/Jeffrey+Baldwin+father+sobs+recalls+last+visit+with+emaciated/8930377/story.html
http://www.theprovince.com/news/Jeffrey+Baldwin+father+sobs+recalls+last+visit+with+emaciated/8930377/story.html
TORONTO — Jeffrey Baldwin’s father sobbed in the witness stand as he remembered the last time he saw his little boy.
Despite Richard Baldwin’s evident distress, or more likely because of it, his tears came as welcome relief: At last, a witness was weeping for the right person.
The 37-year-old was testifying Wednesday at the Ontario coroner’s inquest into his son’s Nov. 30, 2002, death from the lethal trifecta of pneumonia, septic shock and starvation.
“I gave him a hug, in the living room,” Richard Baldwin said.
“How did he feel?” coroner’s counsel Jill Witkin asked.
“Very small,” said Baldwin, his voice breaking.
“Did he say anything?” Witkin asked.
“He just called me Dad,” Baldwin said, sobbing.
This last visit was in the spring or summer of 2002, months before the five year old died.
By that time, Jeffrey and his three siblings had been in the custody of their maternal grandparents, Elva Bottineau and Norman Kidman, for years, their own young parents deemed inept by both family courts and child-care workers.
In fact, all had been bamboozled by Bottineau, a woman of marginal intelligence but astonishing cunning who pitted family members against one another and manipulated social workers with psychopathic aplomb.
In 2006, Bottineau and Kidman were convicted of second-degree murder in Jeffrey’s death and of forcible confinement in the regular locking-up of both the little boy and his then-six-year-old sister in a foul unheated room.
While none of the six children then living in the east-end Toronto house could be said to have had a storybook existence, Jeffrey and his sister were the dirty secrets.
Largely hidden from public view, rarely allowed out of their feces- and urine-stained prison and treated always with contempt, the two predictably withered in every way.
At the time of his death, Jeffrey weighed a pound less than he had as a healthy one-year-old — 21 pounds.
His sister survived largely, it appears, because she had started kindergarten for half-days and received school snacks.
What Baldwin knew about all this was minimal.
By then, the access he and Yvonne Kidman were getting to their own four children was increasingly grudging and limited.
Bottineau would cancel scheduled visits, claiming one or another of the kids was sick, or the young couple would arrive at the house, only to find plans had changed.
That was exactly what happened that fall, Baldwin said.
Unusually, he and Yvonne Kidman were being allowed to have Jeffrey and his sister for the weekend — Bottineau was complaining she was having difficulty coping.
But when he arrived to pick up the kids, Bottineau told him Jeffrey was upstairs in bed, ill. She didn’t want Baldwin going up there, catching whatever Jeffrey had, then infecting the little girl, who would bring whatever the bug was back into the house.
He left with only his little daughter.
His account of the couple’s two days with one of their own children was wrenching because he was so clearly proud.
At one point, Witkin asked if the child was verbal yet.
“Oh, she was verbal for a while,” Baldwin replied with a huge grin. “She’s like her mother.”
First, he said, he gave her “two baths” because she smelled of urine and “threw her clothing away” because it stank.
They took her to their local park, and the next day, though he had to work, Ms. Kidman took the little girl to the restaurant where she then worked, “to show her off.”
These were obvious clues, of course, to something being awry in the house, and Baldwin wasn’t blind to them.
He was worried, especially so when they had to take the little girl back to the grandparents’ house, and she was inconsolable.
And Jeffrey’s failure to grow gnawed at him.
“He didn’t look very good,” Baldwin said of the last time he’d seen him. “I questioned her (Bottineau) and she’d say, ‘Oh don’t worry, I’m on top of it. He’ll bounce back.’ ”
But he not only felt powerless, he actually was.
He and Ms. Kidman had started popping out kids when they were teenagers — they had six, one stillborn, the others all ending up with Bottineau and Kidman or in care — and it seemed they could do little right.
The Catholic Children’s Aid Society was first called in by a neighbour about their first-born, who was briefly left alone as a baby while her parents had a fight.
Bottineau offered to look after the little girl and at first it seemed a solution — Baldwin and Ms. Kidman needed help, Bottineau had the agency’s support, it was going to be temporary.
But it was the beginning of the end for the young couple.
Bottineau, and two of Ms. Kidman’s sisters, slyly campaigned against them getting the little girl — and later, the others — back.
Not until the murder trial, Baldwin said, did he and Ms. Kidman learn the extent to which Bottineau had undercut their efforts.
As Witkin put it in her opening statement last week, Bottineau “continued to feed information to the Society about Richard and Yvonne’s shortcomings” behind their backs, so they never really knew what hit them.
The young couple surely had shortcomings: Their relationship was volatile; they were, as Baldwin said several times, “young and stupid”; they had trouble managing their money (though he has always worked).
So, while he was worried, he didn’t know where to turn.
Why wouldn’t he have called his worker at the agency, Witkin asked.
“I have hate towards the Catholic Children’s Aid,” he snapped. “(The worker) is the last person I ever want to speak to ever again.”
Later, asked for suggestions that might prevent another death like Jeffrey’s, Baldwin mused about child-welfare agencies.
“To have so much power and have no one checking on them seems wrong,” he said. “Maybe our government will get smarter and build an organization to police the Children’s Aid.”
Bottineau and Kidman weren’t young and stupid when they were pronounced marvy caregivers by the family courts and two child-welfare agencies and, without criminal record or background checks, given custody of Jeffrey and his siblings.
They were just convicted child abusers with a horrific history.
Baldwin said he believes if he and Kidman had received more help and had got their kids back, “I think he’d (Jeffrey) be alive today.”
He rather has a point.
Postmedia News
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Going public
Here is a video I saw today of a talk show host who spoke about her experience with infertility. For a few moments I thought about posting this on Facebook as my way of "going public" but I quickly changed my mind. Interesting - despite the supportive messages she got, there were some comments online that were quite harsh, such as "well, she waited too long".
I think I just don't want any extra eyes on me at this time, especially when currently many people have difficulty to simply ask me how I am doing.
http://perezhilton.com/perezitos/2013-09-11-aisha-tyler-talks-her-struggle-to-get-pregnant-infertility#sthash.8cOJzo50.dpbs
p.s. I don't read Perez Hilton, it was the only link I could find that can be viewed in Canada!
I think I just don't want any extra eyes on me at this time, especially when currently many people have difficulty to simply ask me how I am doing.
http://perezhilton.com/perezitos/2013-09-11-aisha-tyler-talks-her-struggle-to-get-pregnant-infertility#sthash.8cOJzo50.dpbs
p.s. I don't read Perez Hilton, it was the only link I could find that can be viewed in Canada!
Monday, September 9, 2013
Coconuts
My mom called me a few days ago. Here are snippets of the chaotic conversations that ensued:
Mom: We celebrate Lord Ganesh on Monday, the remover of obstacles. We Hindus believe that bad things we do causes karma and then obstacles are created in life. So on this auspicious day you need to remove those obstacles.
Me: and how to do we do that, might I ask?...
Mom: Break coconuts. Four of them.
Me: Alright.....what about Gerry? Four for him too? [I'm not a devout practicing Hindu but nonetheless, I can never argue with my mom on these things...]
Mom: Up to you kids.
Me: Four or eight? What's better?
Mom: doesn't matter....but in India, people in the south order in truckloads and pay people to break the coconuts for them. Just do it together.
***
Me: Ger, we need to smash coconuts
Gerry: Why???
Me: remember Lord Ganesh?
Gerry: Yeah
Me: What's he the God of?
Gerry: Uh, all the elephants in the land!
Me: yes, he is the elephant god, but no he doesnt rule the elephants, he's the remover of obstacles. This is what we gotta do.....
Gerry: Alright....can I wear my "I love coconuts" t-shirt from Maui? (T-shirt of a chick with a big coconut bra)
Me: Yes
******
Mom: get hard coconuts, without hair, easier to break...like the one at your wedding and at pujas (prayers)
Gerry: smash or crack?
Mom: crack, do it together and pray while you do it that you are sorry for the bad things you have done and now please remove the obstacles
******
Me: [calling mom] I'm at the store, they dont have bald ones...what about the young one in plastic?
Mom: wrong ones! get the hairy coconuts...not the type Gerry is used to ...not the Philippines coconuts!
Gerry: shit, these are hard
Me: just get them
Gerry: $2.50 each; ten bucks for Lord Ganesh!
Me: think of the money we donate to the Catholic church; $10 bucks to the Hindus ain't bad
Gerry: good point
*****
Mom: oh and don't eat meat for dinner that day
Me: all day or just dinner?
Mom: all day is best
Me: Gerry, no meat tomorrow
Gerry: sigh (already used to veggie Thursdays as our prayer days)
*****
Me: I'm tired from work...remember coconut smashing tonight
Gerry: crap
*****
[on the patio, in process of cracking coconuts]
Me: I need to do it with you [holding hammer together]
Gerry: You're going to get hurt!
[Huge pound on the patio so we had to then hold it and hit it - pieces starting to fly, Moshi is in full anxiety-mode]
Five minutes later....
Gerry: get the huge knife too to help open it up
Me: the cleaver! let me try a few times, I'm supposed to do it with you
Gerry: ok do it. WATCH YOUR FINGER! WATCH YOUR FINGER!!!
Me: I AM!! ok, back to you. Are you praying?
Gerry: No forgot
Me: PRAY! You need to PRAY!! Say sorry for ALL the stupid shit you've done and please remove the obstacles!!
Gerry: [eyes start to squint]
The first coconut finally cracks....
Mom: We celebrate Lord Ganesh on Monday, the remover of obstacles. We Hindus believe that bad things we do causes karma and then obstacles are created in life. So on this auspicious day you need to remove those obstacles.
Me: and how to do we do that, might I ask?...
Mom: Break coconuts. Four of them.
Me: Alright.....what about Gerry? Four for him too? [I'm not a devout practicing Hindu but nonetheless, I can never argue with my mom on these things...]
Mom: Up to you kids.
Me: Four or eight? What's better?
Mom: doesn't matter....but in India, people in the south order in truckloads and pay people to break the coconuts for them. Just do it together.
***
Me: Ger, we need to smash coconuts
Gerry: Why???
Me: remember Lord Ganesh?
Gerry: Yeah
Me: What's he the God of?
Gerry: Uh, all the elephants in the land!
Me: yes, he is the elephant god, but no he doesnt rule the elephants, he's the remover of obstacles. This is what we gotta do.....
Gerry: Alright....can I wear my "I love coconuts" t-shirt from Maui? (T-shirt of a chick with a big coconut bra)
Me: Yes
******
Mom: get hard coconuts, without hair, easier to break...like the one at your wedding and at pujas (prayers)
Gerry: smash or crack?
Mom: crack, do it together and pray while you do it that you are sorry for the bad things you have done and now please remove the obstacles
******
Me: [calling mom] I'm at the store, they dont have bald ones...what about the young one in plastic?
Mom: wrong ones! get the hairy coconuts...not the type Gerry is used to ...not the Philippines coconuts!
Gerry: shit, these are hard
Me: just get them
Gerry: $2.50 each; ten bucks for Lord Ganesh!
Me: think of the money we donate to the Catholic church; $10 bucks to the Hindus ain't bad
Gerry: good point
*****
Mom: oh and don't eat meat for dinner that day
Me: all day or just dinner?
Mom: all day is best
Me: Gerry, no meat tomorrow
Gerry: sigh (already used to veggie Thursdays as our prayer days)
*****
Me: I'm tired from work...remember coconut smashing tonight
Gerry: crap
*****
[on the patio, in process of cracking coconuts]
Me: I need to do it with you [holding hammer together]
Gerry: You're going to get hurt!
[Huge pound on the patio so we had to then hold it and hit it - pieces starting to fly, Moshi is in full anxiety-mode]
Five minutes later....
Gerry: get the huge knife too to help open it up
Me: the cleaver! let me try a few times, I'm supposed to do it with you
Gerry: ok do it. WATCH YOUR FINGER! WATCH YOUR FINGER!!!
Me: I AM!! ok, back to you. Are you praying?
Gerry: No forgot
Me: PRAY! You need to PRAY!! Say sorry for ALL the stupid shit you've done and please remove the obstacles!!
Gerry: [eyes start to squint]
The first coconut finally cracks....
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Dreams
Gerry and I both had vivid dreams lately.
1. I had a dream recently that I was talking to my doctor a few weeks after a transfer of our latest frozen embryos on hold. She asked if I knew how many embryos there are in me. I said one (we had discussed only single transfers now because of the high chance of twins). She asked me again "how many do you think are in there?" My jaw dropped and I knew there was now two - we're having twins, oh shit. I told Gerry about the dream the next morning, and he didn't get it at first. I told him the embryo cells had split - so identical twins!
2. My other dream was shortly after my cousins, baby, toddler, and golden labrador (Lou) visited for a weekend. I dreamed that Lou impregnated Moshi. First Moshi gave birth to 3-4 puppies with beagle-like but narrow faces with golden highlights in its fur. The puppies were swaddled in blankets in my arms and they soon turned into one chubby cheeked olive skinned baby with big round eyes and black hair. Everyone thought it was a puppy, as did we, but it felt like our child and the pitying eyes from everyone around us was evident. It was also clear in my dream that we were now grandparents since Moshi is our dog-ghter....
3. Gerry dreamed that we adopted a very cute baby who had downs syndrome. Moshi just loved her and decided to adopt a mouse. She then snuggled with the mouse as she does with her toy duck that she absolutely loves.
We all have our own version of family, don't we?
1. I had a dream recently that I was talking to my doctor a few weeks after a transfer of our latest frozen embryos on hold. She asked if I knew how many embryos there are in me. I said one (we had discussed only single transfers now because of the high chance of twins). She asked me again "how many do you think are in there?" My jaw dropped and I knew there was now two - we're having twins, oh shit. I told Gerry about the dream the next morning, and he didn't get it at first. I told him the embryo cells had split - so identical twins!
2. My other dream was shortly after my cousins, baby, toddler, and golden labrador (Lou) visited for a weekend. I dreamed that Lou impregnated Moshi. First Moshi gave birth to 3-4 puppies with beagle-like but narrow faces with golden highlights in its fur. The puppies were swaddled in blankets in my arms and they soon turned into one chubby cheeked olive skinned baby with big round eyes and black hair. Everyone thought it was a puppy, as did we, but it felt like our child and the pitying eyes from everyone around us was evident. It was also clear in my dream that we were now grandparents since Moshi is our dog-ghter....
3. Gerry dreamed that we adopted a very cute baby who had downs syndrome. Moshi just loved her and decided to adopt a mouse. She then snuggled with the mouse as she does with her toy duck that she absolutely loves.
We all have our own version of family, don't we?
Friday, August 16, 2013
The Social Network
Great post on the problem with staying connected:
http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/08/still-standing-in-the-background/
http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/08/still-standing-in-the-background/
Still Standing in the Background
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Question of the Week
Why don't you get a surrogate?
I've been asked that question quite a few times, and moreso lately as Jimmy Fallon (who I adore) recently announced that he and his wife struggled with fertility issues for five years and secretly used a gestational carrier (surrogate who gets implanted with the embryo of the couple) to help them finally hold their baby girl. An option being used more widely now and especially with celebrities. He discusses in another video that at first they told people of their treatment plans and then when it didn't work it was so depressing. Yep, I get that.
This short video highlighting Fallon is a good summary of some of the issues involved with surrogacy, e.g. $40-120K, legal issues, custody battles, etc.
http://www.nbcnews.com/video/nightly-news/52748814#52748814
I've been asked that question quite a few times, and moreso lately as Jimmy Fallon (who I adore) recently announced that he and his wife struggled with fertility issues for five years and secretly used a gestational carrier (surrogate who gets implanted with the embryo of the couple) to help them finally hold their baby girl. An option being used more widely now and especially with celebrities. He discusses in another video that at first they told people of their treatment plans and then when it didn't work it was so depressing. Yep, I get that.
This short video highlighting Fallon is a good summary of some of the issues involved with surrogacy, e.g. $40-120K, legal issues, custody battles, etc.
http://www.nbcnews.com/video/nightly-news/52748814#52748814
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Deplorable
Reports from China that doctors are telling parents that their newborns are seriously ill or dead, but are actually being sold to the black market. Unbelievable what these parents are going through. At first I thought the babies were being sold to adoptive parents, hoping the children would at least be safe (still horrible nonetheless) but think it is actually for sex trafficking and child labour.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Mirrors
It's almost 11pm on a hot summer night and we're listening to JT singing Mirrors live in concert down the street from the comfort of our own bed.
Beautiful song about growing old together.
Love it.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Beautiful song about growing old together.
Love it.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
My lucky seven
So we got our results. I have not blogged yet that we
decided back in January that we would not do a “fresh” embryo transfer for our
next IVF cycle. We were advised by three clinics to do Preimplantation Genetic
Diagnostic (PGD) testing of our embryos to ensure all of the chromosomes were
normal; thus lowering the chance of miscarriage, stillbirth, and a child born with
certain heath issues. It did not guarantee that we would have a healthy child though as not all genetic tests are done,
but given that most miscarriages are due to abnormal chromosomes (as confirmed
in my first pregnancy) the chances of this working if the embryo is “normal” is
80% per embryo transfer. The same chance as using an egg donated from a younger
woman. This is ethically debated by some people, but we chose to reduce our
risk of miscarriage and stillbirth. Enough
heartbreak already.
What this used to involve was a biopsy of one of the eight cells
formed in a 3 day embryo. There was a chance the embryo could be damaged by the
biopsy or they chose a cell that was normal but others could be abnormal. Now,
embryos are tested at the blastocyst stage (day 5-6) where there are hundreds of cells,
and a sample is taken from the part that forms the placenta which is safer and a far more
conclusive test, but not 100%.
Our IVF cycle from last year had the following results:
19 eggs and discarded 2, 17 fertilized by ICSI.
15 embryos made it to day 3 and 14 made it to day 5. There
were 6 high quality blastocysts in total, and we were told the results were
outstanding. My clinic has very high standards for freezing so not all day 5 embryos were frozen.
2 transferred fresh – early miscarriage
2 transferred frozen – chemical pregnancy
2 transferred frozen – early miscarriage
So of course I was very nervous about this current cycle. I
am a year older but hoping we would have equivalent results. We got:
16 eggs and discarded 3, all 13 fertilized by ICSI. 12 made it to day 3 and day 5. I was disappointed
being a high achiever. They did though get 7 high quality blasts but one of them was
lagging a bit behind. Again an outstanding cycle. The clinic reminds me, it's not
the quantity of eggs, it is the quality.
Then there was the wait for the biopsy results. The samples
from the placenta cells were sent to California for testing last Friday. The 7
blasts were put on ice until we knew the results. If we had any normal ones, we
planned to wait until this winter to transfer them when I am (hopefully) done my Masters degree.
I didn’t want a miscarriage right before I defended, nor have bad morning sickness
if it worked.
I read the chances for a woman in her late thirties is that about
25-30% of the number of blasts biopsied will be chromosomally normal. If I was
younger, it is more about 40-50%. I braced myself that none may be normal and
just hoped for three of the seven.
This past week, I was feeling more defeated and trying to be
more accepting of our lives childless. I re-sent our adoption application to the
Ministry and they said the fall education sessions were full so that meant no
real movement til Spring of 2014. I looked up articles and support groups on
childlessness, some of them I want to post on this blog.
Back to the biopsy….my doctor called me today. I knew the
results must have come back. Deep breath, brace
yourself.
Doc: The results came back. ALL SEVEN (oh shit, oh shit) came back completely normal.
Me: Really? (in an
annoyed WTF voice)
Doc: That’s a good thing! Our new lab director who has
worked all over the world is shocked, he says this is unheard of!!
Me: Then what is the problem??? A number of the blasts from
last year would likely have been normal too and that didn’t work so what is it
is then if not the embryos?
Doc: Well last year we didn’t test them, but yes if some
were normal it could have been due to that small scar in your uterus that is
now fixed.
I started to relax and we spoke of next steps and the number
of embryos to transfer at one time. She said the chances of having twins are higher now than before and
reminded me of all the complications that could result. Even though it is
cheaper and less time consuming to do multiple transfers than single transfers, and the fact that couples going through infertility want to finally complete their families with as much ease as possible, the chance of stillbirth, and health complications to myself (I'm not a 5'10 big boned woman) and especially our children, is not worth the risk. Ugghh. Okay, I know more than my share now about stillbirth and kids with health issues. Agreed.
I called Gerry. I told him to brace himself which I know was
not fair because last week our rental condo flooded for the second time in
eight months (just 3 weeks after all the repairs were finally finished - long story). He thought our whole building got demolished. I told him the news and could tell he was
beaming over the phone. Then I started to smile. We are at a high point on the
infertility roller coaster again and I am hoping we don’t fall.
I’ve been beaming all day thinking of my lucky seven.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Love, reign o'er me
Gerry was away this weekend in Seattle deservedly having some fun while I studied. Last night I watched a movie on Netflix called Reign Over Me, which is about a widower, who after 5 years is still grieving the loss of his family (and dog) from 9/11. I saw it years ago and watched it again from a different lens.
In addition to creating anxiety provoking thoughts of losing my family one day, something I think of at times whether or not I have kids, the movie was so much about what many of my stillbirth babyloss group friends and experts in the field have been discussing, and very much applicable to loss of life at any age:
Grief can result from a traumatic experience and lead to PTSD.
Grief should not be automatically medicalized and treated with prescriptions.
Grief does not have a timeline or an expiry date.
Grief is handled differently by each person.
Sometimes the best way to help is to just be there.
In addition to the message the movie gives, the title is inspired by a classic song Love, reign o'er me written by The Who and covered by Pearl Jam who I loved in my younger days. It is poetic and beautiful and sung by Pearl Jam with so much power. I didn't get the full meaning when I was a kid listening to The Who's version but loved the song anyway.
Peter Townsend, who wrote the song, said it was about a teenager on the edge of suicide wanting to surrender to the inevitable and drown only this time in the rain yet gets reigned back in to the same old shit just slightly more empowered at a new level to try again. "He's weak still, but there's a strength in that weakness." I can honestly say I've felt that way a few times these past couple years.
Only love
Can make it rain
The way the beach is kissed by the sea.
Only love
Can make it rain
Like the sweat of lovers
Laying in the fields.
Love, reign o'er me.
Love, reign o'er me, reign o'er me, reign o'er me.
Only love
Can bring the rain
That makes you yearn to the sky.
Only love
Can bring the rain
That falls like tears from on high.
Love, reign o'er me, reign o'er me, reign o'er me.
Love, reign o'er me, reign o'er me, reign o'er me.
On the dry and dusty road
The nights we spend apart alone
I need to get back home to cool cool rain.
I can't sleep and I lay and I think
The nights is hot and black as ink
Oh God, I need a drink of cool cool rain.
In addition to creating anxiety provoking thoughts of losing my family one day, something I think of at times whether or not I have kids, the movie was so much about what many of my stillbirth babyloss group friends and experts in the field have been discussing, and very much applicable to loss of life at any age:
Grief can result from a traumatic experience and lead to PTSD.
Grief should not be automatically medicalized and treated with prescriptions.
Grief does not have a timeline or an expiry date.
Grief is handled differently by each person.
Sometimes the best way to help is to just be there.
In addition to the message the movie gives, the title is inspired by a classic song Love, reign o'er me written by The Who and covered by Pearl Jam who I loved in my younger days. It is poetic and beautiful and sung by Pearl Jam with so much power. I didn't get the full meaning when I was a kid listening to The Who's version but loved the song anyway.
Peter Townsend, who wrote the song, said it was about a teenager on the edge of suicide wanting to surrender to the inevitable and drown only this time in the rain yet gets reigned back in to the same old shit just slightly more empowered at a new level to try again. "He's weak still, but there's a strength in that weakness." I can honestly say I've felt that way a few times these past couple years.
Only love
Can make it rain
The way the beach is kissed by the sea.
Only love
Can make it rain
Like the sweat of lovers
Laying in the fields.
Love, reign o'er me.
Love, reign o'er me, reign o'er me, reign o'er me.
Only love
Can bring the rain
That makes you yearn to the sky.
Only love
Can bring the rain
That falls like tears from on high.
Love, reign o'er me, reign o'er me, reign o'er me.
Love, reign o'er me, reign o'er me, reign o'er me.
On the dry and dusty road
The nights we spend apart alone
I need to get back home to cool cool rain.
I can't sleep and I lay and I think
The nights is hot and black as ink
Oh God, I need a drink of cool cool rain.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Time to fucking blog
Last night was tough. I broke down crying from all the physical pain I've been experiencing the last couple days just feeling exhausted from what these treatments are doing to my body.
I can't do this again.
I don't think I can do this again.
Why is this happening to us?
I'm tired. It hurts. This is so painful.
I hate feeling this way.
I'm done.
Don't hold me to this, I may feel differently later.
This cycle may not work either.
I'm done.
My waist girth measured at almost 40 inches and I'm up five pounds since starting the IVF cycle.
I was back at work today. I didn't want to go back but I've missed three days already. I changed blouses twice this morning to find something loose and concealing. A pregnant colleague came to our staff meeting and got the royal gush treatment. 3D ultrasound pics were shared. Then gender talk, crib talk, mat leave commencement talk, how wonderful you look talk. Fuck, can we start this bloody meeting already? Most of the time I'm relatively fine with it, especially with my group friends because they truly deserve such happiness, but today I was in no mood for it. Some of the people there knew about my struggles and lead the gushing. I hate pregnant people. I hate people who love pregnant people. Only my group friends understand this.
No one asked me how I was feeling having called in sick the day before. I felt like crying by the end of the afternoon. I was trying not to be pissy with the union rep but I was on the edge. My abdomen was hurting, it was hard to walk, and I was so tired. I thought I was going to cry as soon as I got home. But I didn't. I started to surf the internet and saw pics of the Royal Baby. A really beautiful picture of Kate holding him with a quote "It's a moment that any parent having just given birth will know what this feeling feels like". Fuck that. I'll likely never have that feeling. Why can't I have a picture like that? I then looked up my bloodtest results online from the four vials they painfully drew from me this morning but I couldn't understand if the slightly abnormal ranges were anything to stress over. Whatever, I'm still alive from the OHSS...time to fucking blog.
I can't do this again.
I don't think I can do this again.
Why is this happening to us?
I'm tired. It hurts. This is so painful.
I hate feeling this way.
I'm done.
Don't hold me to this, I may feel differently later.
This cycle may not work either.
I'm done.
My waist girth measured at almost 40 inches and I'm up five pounds since starting the IVF cycle.
I was back at work today. I didn't want to go back but I've missed three days already. I changed blouses twice this morning to find something loose and concealing. A pregnant colleague came to our staff meeting and got the royal gush treatment. 3D ultrasound pics were shared. Then gender talk, crib talk, mat leave commencement talk, how wonderful you look talk. Fuck, can we start this bloody meeting already? Most of the time I'm relatively fine with it, especially with my group friends because they truly deserve such happiness, but today I was in no mood for it. Some of the people there knew about my struggles and lead the gushing. I hate pregnant people. I hate people who love pregnant people. Only my group friends understand this.
No one asked me how I was feeling having called in sick the day before. I felt like crying by the end of the afternoon. I was trying not to be pissy with the union rep but I was on the edge. My abdomen was hurting, it was hard to walk, and I was so tired. I thought I was going to cry as soon as I got home. But I didn't. I started to surf the internet and saw pics of the Royal Baby. A really beautiful picture of Kate holding him with a quote "It's a moment that any parent having just given birth will know what this feeling feels like". Fuck that. I'll likely never have that feeling. Why can't I have a picture like that? I then looked up my bloodtest results online from the four vials they painfully drew from me this morning but I couldn't understand if the slightly abnormal ranges were anything to stress over. Whatever, I'm still alive from the OHSS...time to fucking blog.
Monday, July 22, 2013
OHSS
The egg retrieval was on Saturday. Despite being "legally impaired" from all the drugs for the procedure, and needing to stay off my feet as much as possible, we went to a BBQ later that evening with my group friends where I just lounged. The next day I felt far worse and rested the whole day. The bloating was not going down and I had bad abdominal pain so I took tylenol every six hours. It hurts to drink water even though I need lots of fluids. This was far different from my IVF experience last year where my ovaries were very enlarged after the egg retrieval but I was fine walking around and just had to remind myself to take it easy so they settle down quicker. Today the symptoms weren't much better and I couldn't go to work so I called the clinic and they confirmed what I thought - I have a moderate form of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) . Shit.
So I'm frustrated that I'm still on bed rest, having been home since Thursday. Ventures from my bed and couch involve a quick grab of food/gatorade from the kitchen and then a trip to the bathroom to ensure I pee it out later. Netflix is my new best friend as I'm quite tired of the "Duchess is in Labour!" updates every time I surf the internet.
With all this, I'm feeling pissy, not angry, but just tired of what we need to go through to conceive when it is [or so it seems] so easy for others.
So I'm frustrated that I'm still on bed rest, having been home since Thursday. Ventures from my bed and couch involve a quick grab of food/gatorade from the kitchen and then a trip to the bathroom to ensure I pee it out later. Netflix is my new best friend as I'm quite tired of the "Duchess is in Labour!" updates every time I surf the internet.
With all this, I'm feeling pissy, not angry, but just tired of what we need to go through to conceive when it is [or so it seems] so easy for others.
Friday, July 19, 2013
IVF - It's Very Frustrating
I worked from home yesterday and took today off. It doesn't matter what type of fertility drug I take, from clomid pills to IVF injections, to progesterone suppositories or injections to keep my uterine lining plump, I get so freakin' bloated. It is hard to sleep, turn over, walk around, or sit comfortably. Then I need to find clothes that can try to conceal the bump so I don't get excited looks from people I know. The IVF injections cause the most bloating, not just because of the medications but due to the number of eggs your ovaries are harvesting. Because of that I need to take it easy and not lift anything heavy, so that leaves the grunt work to Gerry which makes me feel guilty so I do what I can anyway. This is the only time I sympathize with women complaining in the last month of pregnancy that they are so ready to get it over with.
These pics below are of me at the beginning and end of a day. The bloating is bad 24/7 but gets worse as the day goes on. My abs are far from washboard but generally I'm a size six. Note though that not all women get this reaction, especially at this degree. Others can get bad headaches, bad bruising on the stomach where the injections are done, and terrible digestion problems but I'm pretty free from all that. There is also a pic from a fertility journal my cousins gave me that I flipped through again a few weeks ago. IVF - yes, it's very frustrating....many people comment that this process is exciting. Not.
These pics below are of me at the beginning and end of a day. The bloating is bad 24/7 but gets worse as the day goes on. My abs are far from washboard but generally I'm a size six. Note though that not all women get this reaction, especially at this degree. Others can get bad headaches, bad bruising on the stomach where the injections are done, and terrible digestion problems but I'm pretty free from all that. There is also a pic from a fertility journal my cousins gave me that I flipped through again a few weeks ago. IVF - yes, it's very frustrating....many people comment that this process is exciting. Not.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
The Wrong Side of the Stats
I was at my fertility clinic today and I picked up a brochure on their latest success rate statistics. Due to recent changes in the clinic with physicians, lab staff, protocols and technology (particularly how eggs and embryos are frozen using vitrification), my clinic has been through a big upheaval of late. The clinic says their success rate has now increased by 10%, where their success rate for pregnancy rates (positive bloodtest on day 31 of a cycle) per embryo transfer has risen from an average of 57% to 67% and clinical pregnancies (where a gestational sac is confirmed by ultrasound) is now at 60%. The percentage of cases where a couple takes home a live baby is of course lower due to miscarriage and stillbirth, but those stats need to be dug for a bit deeper.
So looking at these stats, especially relative to my age/health and thinking about the number of embryo transfers I have had plus the two pregnancies that have resulted from IUIs, I should have had a baby by now. Period. That's why my doctor said after our fourth miscarriage, where the cause of our infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss is still unexplained by three different clinics, that we are on "the wrong side of the stats". So once in a while I look at the stats to give me some hope, but I really can't count on them anymore. For some reason, I keep being dealt a bad hand of cards, and the only assurance I get from my doctor is that she has seen many other couples in the same situation and we just need to be patient. She says "we will get there, it is just taking us a lot longer than we thought it would."
So looking at these stats, especially relative to my age/health and thinking about the number of embryo transfers I have had plus the two pregnancies that have resulted from IUIs, I should have had a baby by now. Period. That's why my doctor said after our fourth miscarriage, where the cause of our infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss is still unexplained by three different clinics, that we are on "the wrong side of the stats". So once in a while I look at the stats to give me some hope, but I really can't count on them anymore. For some reason, I keep being dealt a bad hand of cards, and the only assurance I get from my doctor is that she has seen many other couples in the same situation and we just need to be patient. She says "we will get there, it is just taking us a lot longer than we thought it would."
Monday, July 15, 2013
Day 8
I'm on my eighth day of IVF injections. This now involves three needles per day, plus bloodtests three times a week, and acupuncture two to three times a week. Last year when I went through this I had dreams I was covered in needles.
This year, it has been much easier....the needles don't hurt as much (maybe because Gerry is a pro at it now, and the evening shot changed to epi-pen format) and so far I have been feeling pretty okay except for the really bad fatigue that kicked in last Friday. It's now harder to move around with the pressure and bloating so I'm starting to stay off my feet more. The more you move, the longer it takes for the ovaries to shrink down after the egg retrieval. Today I felt a bit emotional and distracted at work - yep, the hormones are rising. Still though I've felt worried lately that I may not be responding to the drugs as each IVF cycle can be much different than the last. Today I had my first ultrasound and luckily I got a bunch of eggs growing in each ovary: Relief (for now).
This year, it has been much easier....the needles don't hurt as much (maybe because Gerry is a pro at it now, and the evening shot changed to epi-pen format) and so far I have been feeling pretty okay except for the really bad fatigue that kicked in last Friday. It's now harder to move around with the pressure and bloating so I'm starting to stay off my feet more. The more you move, the longer it takes for the ovaries to shrink down after the egg retrieval. Today I felt a bit emotional and distracted at work - yep, the hormones are rising. Still though I've felt worried lately that I may not be responding to the drugs as each IVF cycle can be much different than the last. Today I had my first ultrasound and luckily I got a bunch of eggs growing in each ovary: Relief (for now).
Sunday, July 14, 2013
You Are Not Alone
Gerry and I had the privilege of volunteering this week at Still Life Canada's first conference: You Are Not Alone - Bringing Stillbirth Out of the Shadows. Our friends founded this organization after the passing of their babies to promote education and awareness to health care professionals and society in general, and to provide support to bereaved parents as these specialized services are so lacking.
I cannot say it was successful because that word is just too limited to describe the impact this conference had on those health care professionals, bereaved parents, and volunteers who attended. It was truly amazing to hear from keynote speaker "Dr. Jo" from the MISS Foundation in Arizona who discussed the marginalization of stillborn deaths and her own experience losing her daughter almost 20 years ago. Too often, society views these losses as a fetus rather than a person who cannot be replaced by a subsequent child, and thereby instills this dismissiveness that it was "meant to be". Comments like these are not given to parents of children who pass at any other age.
It was this woman who my friend had received profound support from days after her daughter was stillborn last year. I went up to Dr. Jo, and with tears welling up in my eyes, I thanked her for "saving my friend".
It was also heartbreaking, educating, and truly inspiring to hear from the bereaved parents who had the courage to tell their stories as panelists and attendees. Gerry had never attended "group" (support group meetings) with me and was particularly impacted by these stories when he got home.
Recurrent pregnancy loss does not compare to the grief experienced by these parents, though Gerry and I both resonated with certain themes raised. For me, one was blame. Dr. Jo told the story of an aboriginal woman who for cultural practices, never spoke about her baby after five days since the death. She never even told anyone the name of her baby. In their culture, it is bad luck to buy anything in preparation for the baby during pregnancy, but out of excitement she did so anyway and would hide the items. She blamed herself for the next 14 years that it was her fault her baby died. She never told her subsequent children about their sister until she met Dr. Jo. Gerry and I had bought a few items during our travels for the baby we would have one day. One thing I had got was a Bon Jovi Slippery When Wet onesie. When we told family and friends about our first miscarriage, I had mentioned the onesie....and in typical Indian fashion I was blamed by a couple of relatives for buying things before the baby was born. I quickly told my mom I wanted to hear nothing of it. I was angry enough as it was and those comments were making things worse. Still, it affected me and we never bought anything else after our first miscarriage.
I cannot commend the organizers enough for this experience.
Love and forever remembrance to Scarlett, Toren, and Amelia.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Indulgement
We were at the River Rocket Casino Rib & Seafood Buffet yesterday for a family dinner. Gerry noticed my heaping spoonfuls of creamy mash potatoes....something I only have small bits of on thx-giving and xmas. I figured the bloating is already starting so bring it on!
Friday, July 5, 2013
5 years
Today is our five year wedding anniversary. We went to dinner at the same restaurant on the beach where we got married. It was so great to have wonderful memories flood back. I've felt in some ways this date was looming as I was sure we would have a child by now, but I've been focusing more recently that through it all, our marriage is stronger than ever. Infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, along with a blow to your finances, can take a real toll on a marriage. We have been through some hard times and grief, some awful arguments out of frustration and from not always being on the same page at the same time; but we knew that the key to getting through all of this was to ensure we have a strong foundation.
Happy anny boo, xo
Happy anny boo, xo
Friday, June 28, 2013
Blue
Okay...unhappy day. I can't fully pinpoint exactly what triggered it as I haven't felt "depressed" like this in a while...a pregnant colleague at work got heaps of comments this morning, and then I started thinking about my career path again while being a panel member interviewing for our manager position. All five interviews these past two weeks have been bad or lacklustre. I chose not to apply because I want the work-life balance right now and the timing for another change is not good.
I'm also getting prepped for IVF #2 so I'm on week 3 of the birth control pill to quiet down my ovaries before the main event....so Gerry asked me if it was the meds. I said I don't think so.
More later....
I'm also getting prepped for IVF #2 so I'm on week 3 of the birth control pill to quiet down my ovaries before the main event....so Gerry asked me if it was the meds. I said I don't think so.
More later....
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
19 hours
I got a text from Gerry yesterday: call your mom – there is a baby for adoption in India. My heart stopped for a few seconds and I finally got
a hold of her after a few tries. In India, they have apparently banned gender screening
due to the high number of abortions of baby girls so now more girls are being put forward for adoption – reasons due to poverty and traditional views of
dowries, gender roles and sons providing for their elders.
My uncle in India told us a family who has known our family for over
40 years just had their third baby girl. She is one day old. The family is quite poor and cannot even pay for the cesarean section. They were not selling their baby, only
wanting her to be with Gerry and I so that she is provided with all the
opportunities they could not give her. My aunt said the elder sisters were completely healthy, and very
cute and fair skinned with slightly Asian eyes. It seemed perfect yet I knew
there could be some huge obstacles.
Thoughts were going back and forth in my head about whether
we are ready…this could take 6 months or maybe a year for the process to
complete. I’m finishing my Master’s degree, we are doing the “last round” of
treatment soon (albeit you never know what is the last round until you get
there). This news was sudden but I needed to look into the process.
I inquired with the agency in BC who rejected us earlier
this year to start the regular adoption process because our infertility
treatments were not completed yet, and we needed to “mourn” our childlessness. They said relative adoptions are possible but
I needed to contact the agency out of Toronto that they work with for all
adoptions in India. Immigration looks at these adoptions carefully to ensure
there is no child trafficking of older kids, and that they are brought over
under the applied circumstances i.e. not to sponsor a child for their education
where they should be applying for immigration under a different route. She said
that our case for a newborn adoption would be less bureaucratic.
I then called a social worker in Toronto and I spoke to
someone very briefly. She said she would call me back in 10 minutes but did
not. With the time difference it was likely too late in the day.
At dinner, Gerry and I both admitted we were starting to feel a bit excited, We felt ready. I googled and googled and found out that the current guidelines for relative adoptions were in revisions, and have been for a while – uh oh. I knew how Indian bureaucracy works and even though they said it will be done in a couple months from now I had my doubts. We knew that relative adoption would be scrutinized and thought private adoption could be possible. We did not want to be blacklisted for any reason if our application got rejected, but knew we got screwed over before in the adoption process for being too honest about our infertility treatments. Knowing this may not be possible in either route, I still started to visualize what this baby girl looked like. I thought of a possible name.
The social worker called me back this morning. I asked them
how relative adoptions work and how much of a distance the relation can be, and
if there needs to be a biological/blood connection or if the relation could be
through an in-law. I also asked if the relation was too distant, can the
birthparents simply choose us as the adoptive parents. Finally, where does the
child get placed during this process as I was worried about the birthparents
changing their minds and if the child is placed in an orphanage how long would
it be. She said there are a number of issues in play:
- · India’s guidelines have been under review for the past 18 months and their assurances to have them complete month after month keeps getting delayed. They currently have forty families who have been waiting to adopt relatives, including newborns, for the past 3-5 years. Their applications are completely on hold until these guidelines, which are ironically intended to speed up adoptions for children under the age of three, are completed.
- · They would like to see a severance with the birthparents, otherwise questions arise as to why the child cannot be cared for. The child should ideally be placed with another family member in the interim. A local orphanage may not take them due to the circumstances and their resources, and if the child is abandoned there without a legal agreement, the child is available to any domestic or international couple on the waitlist.
- · The more distance the relation, the more it will be scrutinized and viewed as a private adoption. Private adoptions are prohibited internationally for those countries under the Hague Treaty. I didn’t ask why but suspect it is to avoid the selling of children.
- · They are willing to review if this relation would hold up to standards established under the Hague Treaty but forewarns with all the other obstacles, the regular adoption process, even though at a minimum of $40,000 and 2-3 year wait, may be a better route.
And then 19 hours after receiving that first text
message, the partially inflated balloon slowly let out all its air…. a baby
girl in India will end up in someone else’s arms.
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