Time to fucking blog

Last night was tough. I broke down crying from all the physical pain I've been experiencing the last couple days just feeling exhausted from what these treatments are doing to my body.

I can't do this again. 
I don't think I can do this again.
Why is this happening to us?
I'm tired. It hurts. This is so painful.
I hate feeling this way.
I'm done.
Don't hold me to this, I may feel differently later.
This cycle may not work either.
I'm done.

My waist girth measured at almost 40 inches and I'm up five pounds since starting the IVF cycle.


I was back at work today. I didn't want to go back but I've missed three days already. I changed blouses twice this morning to find something loose and concealing. A pregnant colleague came to our staff meeting and got the royal gush treatment. 3D ultrasound pics were shared. Then gender talk, crib talk, mat leave commencement talk, how wonderful you look talk. Fuck, can we start this bloody meeting already? Most of the time I'm relatively fine with it, especially with my group friends because they truly deserve such happiness, but today I was in no mood for it. Some of the people there knew about my struggles and lead the gushing. I hate pregnant people. I hate people who love pregnant people. Only my group friends understand this.

No one asked me how I was feeling having called in sick the day before. I felt like crying by the end of the afternoon. I was trying not to be pissy with the union rep but I was on the edge. My abdomen was hurting, it was hard to walk, and I was so tired. I thought I was going to cry as soon as I got home. But I didn't. I started to surf the internet and saw pics of the Royal Baby. A really beautiful picture of Kate holding him with a quote "It's a moment that any parent having just given birth will know what this feeling feels like". Fuck that. I'll likely never have that feeling. Why can't I have a picture like that? I then looked up my bloodtest results online from the four vials they painfully drew from me this morning but I couldn't understand if the slightly abnormal ranges were anything to stress over. Whatever, I'm still alive from the OHSS...time to fucking blog.