You Are Not Alone

Gerry and I had the privilege of volunteering this week at Still Life Canada's first conference: You Are Not Alone - Bringing Stillbirth Out of the Shadows. Our friends founded this organization after the passing of their babies to promote education and awareness to health care professionals and society in general, and to provide support to bereaved parents as these specialized services are so lacking.

I cannot say it was successful because that word is just too limited to describe the impact this conference had on those health care professionals, bereaved parents, and volunteers who attended. It was truly amazing to hear from keynote speaker "Dr. Jo" from the MISS Foundation in Arizona who discussed the marginalization of stillborn deaths and her own experience losing her daughter almost 20 years ago. Too often, society views these losses as a fetus rather than a person who cannot be replaced by a subsequent child, and thereby instills this dismissiveness that it was "meant to be". Comments like these are not given to parents of children who pass at any other age.

It was this woman who my friend had received profound support from days after her daughter was stillborn last year. I went up to Dr. Jo, and with tears welling up in my eyes, I thanked her for "saving my friend".

It was also heartbreaking, educating, and truly inspiring to hear from the bereaved parents who had the courage to tell their stories as panelists and attendees. Gerry had never attended "group" (support group meetings) with me and was particularly impacted by these stories when he got home.

Recurrent pregnancy loss does not compare to the grief experienced by these parents, though Gerry and I both resonated with certain themes raised. For me, one was blame. Dr. Jo told the story of an aboriginal woman who for cultural practices, never spoke about her baby after five days since the death. She never even told anyone the name of her baby. In their culture, it is bad luck to buy anything in preparation for the baby during pregnancy, but out of excitement she did so anyway and would hide the items. She blamed herself for the next 14 years that it was her fault her baby died. She never told her subsequent children about their sister until she met Dr. Jo. Gerry and I had bought a few items during our travels for the baby we would have one day. One thing I had got was a Bon Jovi Slippery When Wet onesie. When we told family and friends about our first miscarriage, I had mentioned the onesie....and in typical Indian fashion I was blamed by a couple of relatives for buying things before the baby was born. I quickly told my mom I wanted to hear nothing of it. I was angry enough as it was and those comments were making things worse. Still, it affected me and we never bought anything else after our first miscarriage.


I cannot commend the organizers enough for this experience.

Love and forever remembrance to Scarlett, Toren, and Amelia.