Even the US border guard gives us fertility advice

Of course we got the slowest lane at the border today. Dude was snooping in every car.
Where you going? - Seattle
Why? - visit relatives
No dog? (her backseat cover and pillow still there) - At mom's [you gonna check the hidden compartment in the trunk?]
What's that envelope? - Paperwork
For what? - We going to a fertility clinic for a consult.
Aren't they better in Canada? [Now going through our luggage]. So many Americans go there! - Thought we'ld see.
Hear the technology is so much better. - Well [exasperated] trying for three years now...
All these usa-c-ers [wtf?] are going up north. Heard it's much better. - Nodded [Hmm, have you been masturbating into a plastic cup lately?]
So many go to Canada. - [Well let's go home and re-evaluate this plan]
You paying over 10K for the fees? - No, it's just a consult.
Nothin' illegal, - [thanks for confirming...what if I stalk the local maternity ward?]
Tell us next time. - We're still seeing relatives.
It's a dual purpose so let us know. Nothin' illegal. - [fuck]
Even if you bring a chq (who has a prewritten chq when travelling?) - okay, unless sent before right? [think I'll use my visa to buy a baby though]
Oh yeah, if electronic it's fine. Just tell us if you do because a monetary declaration must be made. - [is this over yet?]
Well good luck to you guys. - Thank you! [We'll name our first born after you: "Dumbass"]

Note to self:
Next time, hide the envelope.

Crap...

Doctor sent me for an x-ray of my mid back - it could be a fractured vertabrae. Frick!! Gerry and I took the month off from trying so we found it funny when doc and tech kept asking if there was any chance at all that I could be pregnant. All fertility treatments now on hold because of anti-inflammatory side-effects...

Our Christmas Tree

A few years ago I made ornaments out of a bunch of the annual kid pictures we get in our holiday cards. I thought that our Christmas is centred around the kids, and it's a nice way to see the pics. I figured soon, I'll make ornaments for our own kids too.

When we put up the tree a couple weeks ago, I knew I had about 2 years worth of new ornaments to make as a number of babies have been born since then. And also for those infants and children who have left us.

I asked Gerry if he thinks we'll still be making some for ours, and he said "hell ya, and it'll be placed right on top of the tree by Santa!!!".

Because of our second miscarriage right before Christmas last year, we tried to make the most of it this year. Some people in my support group call it the "hellidays" - a time to be festive when they are frankly not in the mood. Last year on Christmas no one said anything to us about our loss. Some just don't know what to say and try not to upset you by simply asking how you are doing. I try not to be upset by that as this is why pregnancy and infant loss needs awareness. I sat solo for a while pretending to watch TV, not wanting to bum out anyone else's day. We bailed on all other parties.

Each year I think about what our holidays should be like with our own kids each Christmas morning. We only had a few parties to go to this year and I gave myself a gold star each time I got through the annual updates of people we don't see too often: noticing the babies that have been born since last year, those now pregnant or pregnant again, and the kids who have grown; trying to find something, anything, that is new or an update for us this year. That's the toughest part for me.

This year we subconsciously centred Christmas around Moshi. She is our dog-ghter after all. She got a new toy/BFF named Ted (after the movie since it comes to life - she was freaked out at first but now loves him!). Petsmart toys for our wreath and doggie biscuit treats for her friends and cousins as I wasn't in the mood to make xmas cookies this year - plus its the canines who tend to get missed out from the goodies.

My day

Bad sore throat, needed cough drops. First snowfall of the year.

Phone call 5 minutes after arriving home from pharmacy around the corner:

Me: Can I speak with the general manager?

Pharmacy: Sorry she is busy. Can I take a message?

Me: I'm the customer who just slipped and fell down the wet stairs exiting the store.

Pharmacy: Please hold.


This is the first time I'm thankful not to be pregnant.

My confliction with God

The evening of Deepuk's birthday, I sit here in tears watching the memorial service for twenty first-graders and those women who tried to protect them. Also remembering the mother of the shooter, whose other son and family must also be grieving.

I remember in vivid detail the funerals for Deepuk age 24, Marie age 2, Nicky age 6, and Scarlett who died full-term in her mother's womb. All of whom died tragically far too young and robbed of their futures. At Deepuk's viewing, I screamed and had a complete meltdown. At Marie and Nicky's funerals who died two weeks apart, I had to stay strong for my mom. At Scarlett's funeral earlier this year, I broke down really hard at times seeing the small pink coffin, the burial, and the grief of their families. A few people said it was too much for me to attend given my recent miscarriages and losing my job that week. I disagreed because it was the least I could do compared to what her parents were going through. It's kinda the same watching CNN right now. I've been through grief and watch not in a way as I did over 11 years ago where I thought it was "so sad", but now in empathy of the trauma, disbelief, and anguish experienced by the families.

I believe in God. But I don't understand his powers. So many of our friends and family pray to be blessed. Then they are so thankful for their blessings and pray for more. We prayed and prayed so hard for blessings of a baby when God was ready, but got continuously turned down. Or maybe it's not up to him, so why pray for that? Why bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people is so illogical. I've had more than my share of bad things in my life - starting with things in childhood I haven't wrote about here. So am I a bad person? I don't think so. I prayed for forgiveness for any and all dumb things I have done. Am I one of those strong people who are chosen for bullshit because I guess I can endure such things? Ok, fine but (again) haven't I had my share now? I am truly thankful for the good things in my life - my husband, my family, close friends, my home, my new job. Some people get more blessings and sometimes I just feel conflicted as to why. Why do some get a bad hand of cards but others are full of kings and aces? Can't we just deal another hand?

Happy Birthday Deepuk

Happy birthday to my dear cousin, brother and close friend. Tonight I wore your Goucher t-shirt to bed. I'll think of what to do today. Some years I eat ribs or a ceasar salad, others I walk to English Bay where we chilled on the beach when you came back from Alaska fully bearded (that pic to the right). Sapna is having a corona and cheesecake in your honour today.

In the past 11 years, you would have become a doctor, got married easily cuz girls adored you, and maybe had a baby by now. You would have visited me when I moved downtown and we would have had a blast. You would have absolutely loved Gerry, and you would have been front and centre at our wedding. You would have been there for me these past few years.

I miss you so much, words just cannot express.

Candles in Remembrance

Members of my support group who lost their babies lit candles in their memory.

Why?

Today twenty children and eight adults were killed by a shooter in their elementary school. A parent on the news was crying "why". I sincerely wish there was an answer for that. When my 24 yr old cousin was killed by a hit and run driver in 2001, I remember the screams of anguish including the question "why?". The same feeling when two of my foster siblings, age 2 and age 6, died six months later from rare, unforeseen medical conditions. Shock. Disbelief. Anger.

I heard once that when a parent dies you lose your past, when your spouse dies you lose your present, when your child dies you lose your future. When your sibling dies you lose all three. These parents have lost their future. For those who have other children, they must be brave and strong for them, but in fact they are dying inside. Their lives will never be the same. In the Christmas' to come, the holiday will be marked with grief. So we ask "why" and there is no answer. Whether the gunman had a mental illness or acted in pure evil, or the contributions of the U.S. gun laws and a desensitization to violence - it doesn't matter, because in the end there is no explanation as to why some people must suffer for the rest of their lives wondering what they must have done to deserve this. Many of the people in my support group who have had stillborns or lost their babies as infants initially go through this turmoil daily. Parents who will never be able to parent. We sit there and wonder "why" this pain has been put upon us. Again, there is no answer.

Bangs. My first mid-life crisis.

I was getting my hair done today and thought about how I always wanted to get purple or blue streaky highlights in my hair when I go on maternity leave. I figure it would be the only time I won't need to look professional! But that plan has continuously been postponed so I figured hell, just chop some bangs! Of course, in my decision making process I fully consulted with my stylist first who was all for it. A mid-life crisis is a need for change, and as such, since my life is in a constant state of limbo, the change was my hair. Gerry is adapting, comparing it to assessing whether the new Benz model is much of an upgrade. I'll likely hate it once I have to style it on my own, but for now it is a statement for trying something new when not much  else changes.

This covers my week:

I'm angry

Today I feel angry.

I'm angry that I keep going back to square one.
I'm angry that it's so easy for what it seems like everyone else.
I'm angry that I don't fit in with my new mommy friends who have made other new mommy friends.
I'm angry I don't fit in with my single friends who are able to exercise or travel or go out for the night  - things that I can't do because of all our restraints or things I'm not interested in because I want to be home with a family.
I'm angry at people who are freakin clueless and insensitive.
I'm angry that I'm pumped full of hormones yet again.
I'm angry I have welts on the top of my ass and it hurts to even jog lightly to cross the street.
I'm angry that I have to explain myself.
I'm angry I have to defend that my body has been diagnosed as unbroken.
I'm angry that I have to keep waiting for this cycle to be over as my PMS builds more and more each day.
I'm angry that I'm angry.


To put this in context, the faint home pregnancy test had a positive line but then became negative in the next home test a couple days before my bloodtest. I was prepped for the bloodtest to be negative but didn't think I would take it that hard. Elevated hormones are a bitch. Two frozen embryos were a bust and now on to our last two.