Tuesday, September 24, 2013

This is Water

Here is a link to an excellent video based on a commencement address by David Foster Wallace. Not sure how long this will be up because of copyright issues. What I liked the most is the part in the grocery store where it shows how we often judge others for their behaviours and actions without knowing their story.

Some people, as I have encountered, judge others about their family status, decisions they make in order to have a family, or their behaviours or actions in social situations - again, without knowing the story.

Well worth nine minutes:

http://www.upworthy.com/the-earth-shatteringly-amazing-speech-that-ll-change-the-way-you-think-about-adulthood-4?g=2


Wednesday, September 18, 2013

In the news...

Sometimes I hate reading the paper or watching the news. This story is horrific. Our system is so screwed up that these poor children could not be placed back with their parents or adopted. There is more on this story I couldn't bring myself to read about adults who knew of the childrens' endangerment, but did nothing.



http://www.theprovince.com/news/Jeffrey+Baldwin+father+sobs+recalls+last+visit+with+emaciated/8930377/story.html


TORONTO — Jeffrey Baldwin’s father sobbed in the witness stand as he remembered the last time he saw his little boy.
Despite Richard Baldwin’s evident distress, or more likely because of it, his tears came as welcome relief: At last, a witness was weeping for the right person.
The 37-year-old was testifying Wednesday at the Ontario coroner’s inquest into his son’s Nov. 30, 2002, death from the lethal trifecta of pneumonia, septic shock and starvation.
“I gave him a hug, in the living room,” Richard Baldwin said.
“How did he feel?” coroner’s counsel Jill Witkin asked.
“Very small,” said Baldwin, his voice breaking.
“Did he say anything?”  Witkin asked.
“He just called me Dad,” Baldwin said, sobbing.

This last visit was in the spring or summer of 2002, months before the five year old died.
By that time, Jeffrey and his three siblings had been in the custody of their maternal grandparents, Elva Bottineau and Norman Kidman, for years, their own young parents deemed inept by both family courts and child-care workers.

In fact, all had been bamboozled by Bottineau, a woman of marginal intelligence but astonishing cunning who pitted family members against one another and manipulated social workers with psychopathic aplomb.

In 2006, Bottineau and Kidman were convicted of second-degree murder in Jeffrey’s death and of forcible confinement in the regular locking-up of both the little boy and his then-six-year-old sister in a foul unheated room.

While none of the six children then living in the east-end Toronto house could be said to have had a storybook existence, Jeffrey and his sister were the dirty secrets.
Largely hidden from public view, rarely allowed out of their feces- and urine-stained prison and treated always with contempt, the two predictably withered in every way.
At the time of his death, Jeffrey weighed a pound less than he had as a healthy one-year-old — 21 pounds.

His sister survived largely, it appears, because she had started kindergarten for half-days and received school snacks.

What Baldwin knew about all this was minimal.

By then, the access he and Yvonne Kidman were getting to their own four children was increasingly grudging and limited.

Bottineau would cancel scheduled visits, claiming one or another of the kids was sick, or the young couple would arrive at the house, only to find plans had changed.

That was exactly what happened that fall, Baldwin said.

Unusually, he and Yvonne Kidman were being allowed to have Jeffrey and his sister for the weekend — Bottineau was complaining she was having difficulty coping.

But when he arrived to pick up the kids, Bottineau told him Jeffrey was upstairs in bed, ill. She didn’t want Baldwin going up there, catching whatever Jeffrey had, then infecting the little girl, who would bring whatever the bug was back into the house.

He left with only his little daughter.

His account of the couple’s two days with one of their own children was wrenching because he was so clearly proud.

At one point, Witkin asked if the child was verbal yet.
“Oh, she was verbal for a while,” Baldwin replied with a huge grin. “She’s like her mother.”
First, he said, he gave her “two baths” because she smelled of urine and “threw her clothing away” because it stank.

They took her to their local park, and the next day, though he had to work, Ms. Kidman took the little girl to the restaurant where she then worked, “to show her off.”
These were obvious clues, of course, to something being awry in the house, and Baldwin wasn’t blind to them.

He was worried, especially so when they had to take the little girl back to the grandparents’ house, and she was inconsolable.

And Jeffrey’s failure to grow gnawed at him.

“He didn’t look very good,” Baldwin said of the last time he’d seen him. “I questioned her (Bottineau) and she’d say, ‘Oh don’t worry, I’m on top of it. He’ll bounce back.’ ”
But he not only felt powerless, he actually was.

He and Ms. Kidman had started popping out kids when they were teenagers — they had six, one stillborn, the others all ending up with Bottineau and Kidman or in care — and it seemed they could do little right.

The Catholic Children’s Aid Society was first called in by a neighbour about their first-born, who was briefly left alone as a baby while her parents had a fight.
Bottineau offered to look after the little girl and at first it seemed a solution — Baldwin and Ms. Kidman needed help, Bottineau had the agency’s support, it was going to be temporary.

But it was the beginning of the end for the young couple.
Bottineau, and two of Ms. Kidman’s sisters, slyly campaigned against them getting the little girl — and later, the others — back.
Not until the murder trial, Baldwin said, did he and Ms. Kidman learn the extent to which Bottineau had undercut their efforts.

As Witkin put it in her opening statement last week, Bottineau “continued to feed information to the Society about Richard and Yvonne’s shortcomings” behind their backs, so they never really knew what hit them.

The young couple surely had shortcomings: Their relationship was volatile; they were, as Baldwin said several times, “young and stupid”; they had trouble managing their money (though he has always worked).

So, while he was worried, he didn’t know where to turn.
Why wouldn’t he have called his worker at the agency, Witkin asked.
“I have hate towards the Catholic Children’s Aid,” he snapped. “(The worker) is the last person I ever want to speak to ever again.”

Later, asked for suggestions that might prevent another death like Jeffrey’s, Baldwin mused about child-welfare agencies.
“To have so much power and have no one checking on them seems wrong,” he said. “Maybe our government will get smarter and build an organization to police the Children’s Aid.”
Bottineau and Kidman weren’t young and stupid when they were pronounced marvy caregivers by the family courts and two child-welfare agencies and, without criminal record or background checks, given custody of Jeffrey and his siblings.

They were just convicted child abusers with a horrific history.
Baldwin said he believes if he and Kidman had received more help and had got their kids back, “I think he’d (Jeffrey) be alive today.”

He rather has a point.

Postmedia News

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Going public

Here is a video I saw today of a talk show host who spoke about her experience with infertility. For a few moments I thought about posting this on Facebook as my way of "going public" but I quickly changed my mind. Interesting -  despite the supportive messages she got, there were some comments online that were quite harsh, such as "well, she waited too long".

I think I just don't want any extra eyes on me at this time, especially when currently many people have difficulty to simply ask me how I am doing.

http://perezhilton.com/perezitos/2013-09-11-aisha-tyler-talks-her-struggle-to-get-pregnant-infertility#sthash.8cOJzo50.dpbs

p.s. I don't read Perez Hilton, it was the only link I could find that can be viewed in Canada!

Monday, September 9, 2013

Coconuts

My mom called me a few days ago. Here are snippets of the chaotic conversations that ensued:

Mom:  We celebrate Lord Ganesh on Monday, the remover of obstacles. We Hindus believe that bad things we do causes karma and then obstacles are created in life. So on this auspicious day you need to remove those obstacles.

Me: and how to do we do that, might I ask?...

Mom: Break coconuts. Four of them.

Me: Alright.....what about Gerry? Four for him too? [I'm not a devout practicing Hindu but nonetheless, I can never argue with my mom on these things...]

Mom: Up to you kids.

Me: Four or eight? What's better?

Mom: doesn't matter....but in India, people in the south order in truckloads and pay people to break the coconuts for them. Just do it together.

***

Me: Ger, we need to smash coconuts

Gerry: Why???

Me: remember Lord Ganesh?

Gerry: Yeah

Me: What's he the God of?

Gerry: Uh, all the elephants in the land!

Me: yes, he is the elephant god, but no he doesnt rule the elephants, he's the remover of obstacles. This is what we gotta do.....

Gerry: Alright....can I wear my "I love coconuts" t-shirt from Maui? (T-shirt of a chick with a big coconut bra)

Me: Yes

******

Mom: get hard coconuts, without hair, easier to break...like the one at your wedding and at pujas (prayers)

Gerry: smash or crack?

Mom: crack, do it together and pray while you do it that you are sorry for the bad things you have done and now please remove the obstacles

******
Me: [calling mom] I'm at the store, they dont have bald ones...what about the young one in plastic?

Mom: wrong ones! get the hairy coconuts...not the type Gerry is used to ...not the Philippines coconuts!

Gerry: shit, these are hard

Me: just get them

Gerry: $2.50 each; ten bucks for Lord Ganesh!

Me: think of the money we donate to the Catholic church; $10 bucks to the Hindus ain't bad

Gerry: good point

*****
Mom: oh and don't eat meat for dinner that day

Me: all day or just dinner?

Mom: all day is best

Me: Gerry, no meat tomorrow

Gerry: sigh (already used to veggie Thursdays as our prayer days)


*****

Me: I'm tired from work...remember coconut smashing tonight

Gerry: crap

*****

[on the patio, in process of cracking coconuts]

Me: I need to do it with you [holding hammer together]

Gerry: You're going to get hurt!

[Huge pound on the patio so we had to then hold it and hit it - pieces starting to fly, Moshi is in full anxiety-mode]

Five minutes later....

Gerry: get the huge knife too to help open it up

Me: the cleaver! let me try a few times, I'm supposed to do it with you

Gerry: ok do it. WATCH YOUR FINGER! WATCH YOUR FINGER!!!

Me: I AM!! ok, back to you. Are you praying?

Gerry: No forgot

Me: PRAY! You need to PRAY!! Say sorry for ALL the stupid shit you've done and please remove the obstacles!!

Gerry: [eyes start to squint]

The first coconut finally cracks....