"I know this must be disappointing"

That's what the adoption agency said. What an understatement. Our adoption journey lasted six days. After we filled out the paperwork on the weekend, I had several follow up questions I needed answered quickly as we had found out last Friday that the fee schedule is changing March 1st. One of the significant changes was that the cost of our homestudy would jump from $5500 to $7000 if we did not get the forms in by the end of February. Coupled with the fact that my severance pay from 2012 was not taxed high enough (feelings of hate towards my former employer slightly resurfacing), we were also scrambling to get major RRSP contributions in by March 1st. Shitty week.

The fine print said that "prospective adoptive applicants who become pregnant, give birth or begin infertility treatment during the homestudy process or prior to the referral of a child will be required to put their adoption process on hold.....applicants are to notify the agency immediately if infertility treatments are started and within 3 months of becoming pregnant."

I inquired about how this policy works. They said that couples need to ensure they are ready to go through this process and have exhausted all other options. Couples must have grieved the fact that they cannot have their own biological children (does grief ever really end? what about the loss of our babies?). If a couple becomes pregnant naturally, which they don't encourage but cannot stop in reality, then the process is on hold (until the birth of the baby and a subsequent updated homestudy is done). For those going through infertility treatments, the adoption process cannot even start. I said I understand putting the process on hold if there is a viable pregnancy, but in our circumstance we have made this resolution that we are ready to adopt even if we have one biological child, and because we need to get pregnant by infertility treatments rather than naturally is unfair. It needs to be determined on a case by case basis and for that to occur an extensive interview needs to be done. If a couple had recurrent miscarriages through natural pregnancies then they could still go through a homestudy, and in the home study they prove that they are ready for adoption. Many couples I bet may not even be honest about that and here we were being up front with it all.

The agency kept claiming this policy is in the best interest of the adopted child and they need couples who are committed - which didn't make sense to me as there is a huge wait list, the home study is the first stage which takes 5-6 months to complete, and education sessions are offered only twice a year. It takes ages just to get on the waiting list so how is a child effected when there are so many other prospective parents in line? If a couple gets pregnant naturally the process gets put on hold and they may or may not choose to move forward with the adoption - but are given that choice. For those needing infertility treatments, we are treated as though we will automatically bail on the whole process if we get a viable pregnancy and are not evaluated on our own experiences. I was almost in tears. I called Gerry and he decided to call the Executive Director. He told her about our circumstances and (nicely) that we felt discriminated against. For the next day, she looked into their policy, cases they had, and what other agencies were doing, but in the end she said in the gentlest way possible, something to the effect that we are not deemed to even qualify right now. Gerry was almost in tears. There is no gentle way to put that.

Part of me is like fuck it. Let's just continue with our other plans and if we end up in the same place a year from now, one year older and pushing 40, then we are just that much more unattractive to birthparents and governments who get to critique our dossiers to bloody determine if we are "ready to be parents".  At least we got a good glimpse of what this process will be like.

Do we qualify to make a TV movie of the week out of our lives?

Angelina

Last night I had a dream that I was interviewing Angelina Jolie. We were in my shower and both of us were fully clothed. She said she was pregnant again and showed me her stomach. I said I was so happy for her. Then she said non-chalantly that she was also adopting from Vietnam again and I said I was so happy for her (again) and that she has so much going on. Then I felt my true feelings and I wasn't happy for her at all. Then we started to make out (don't judge, it was a dream and the purpose of my blog is to be honest!).


p.s. Gerry's response to this blog: "And where the fuck was I??"

The Price of Happiness

Today we met with our financial advisor. Gotta cash out our mid-term savings. I had two drinks with Malibu after she left - the most alcohol I've had in a couple years.

As much as we have resolved to keep trying with the infertility treatments and naturally, we know that door is going to close soon. The cost of all this starts to take a toll. Adoption though is a whole new ballgame with intercountry costs out of reach for many couples. Kids who need homes and prospective parents who can't afford it. So wrong on so many levels. We decided that a future without kids will result in regret later in our lives. We were always open to adoption but were not quite ready until now because of the financial choices we had to make.

So we started to fill out the adoption application forms tonight. Day one of a whole new process of triangulation, frustration, and hope with absolutely no guarantee.




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Regrets

Good timing of this article when I am at a stage of self-reflection and de-stress cleansing, particularly #3:

http://www.alternet.org/5-top-regrets-people-have-end-their-lives

5 Top Regrets People Have At the End of Their Lives

A palliative nurse has recorded the top five regrets of the dying.

February 15, 2013  |  

There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called  Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called  The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

First Walk

I haven't been active in a really long time. There are different definitions of "active" so I must explain. I used to be quite fit and participated in different activities, then I went hard core at times and trained at an athlete level with guidance from my trainer - my strength and endurance skyrocketed. It wasn't burdensome for me to do two + hour sessions six days a week. My trainer said I was putting them all to shame. I felt awesome.

Then my master's program started and the pace slowed down. Then we moved and the renovations took over our lives for several months and takeout food was a regular occurrence. When the fertility treatments started two years ago I would go through stretches of inactivity in the hopes the treatment and resulting pregancies would work. Then in between I would start jogging intervals but couldn't sustain it because another treatment would come up and I was getting frustrated that the added weight wasn't coming off no matter what I tried. I knew stress has implications on our bodies but I didn't pick up on how it effected me til much later in the game.

Lately it's been a leisurely walk here and there on the seawall but not much more. It is tough to get out of a rut like that. This weekend I really needed to make some movement on my master's proposal for my final project. Not the two page summary I naively thought it entailed. But the sun was fully out, physically I felt fine, Gerry was out doing dryland training for his team, and Moshi was sunbathing by the window. I really didn't have to but I finally got myself up and ready. My first real seawall walk in such a long time. Baby steps...hope to keep it up tomorrow.





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"The problem is...you don't have kids."

At least it wasn't a therapist for humans who said that. When Moshi turned one last April she was hovering around a table of food at a party and snapped at a toddler who went under the table to grab his toy. She was sweet and wonderful around kids before so it was hard when she couldn't get out of that phase and associated little kids as a threat. It became so stressful to get her the right training to address her genetic anxiety issues that can transcend into being territorial and aggressive. The trainer we got was wonderful, but because we didn't have kids (the core of the issue) we had to stalk playgrounds (!), get her into really large crowds, and do strict commands so she would not dominate. We didn't want to be hated by parents in the neighborhood and friends with small kids - we had enough child centric issues already. Plus Mosh means so much to us and wanted her to be loved by those in our lives.

In the last six months, Moshi has really improved with no incidents but last night was the first time a toddler came over to our home (and by extension, Moshi's home) in ages. We kept some distance between them and Mosh was a rockstar. Phew!


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4, 5

Last week we went through our fourth miscarriage; fifth loss. I was at 5 weeks this time with our last two frozen embryos. We had hope with my beta levels (hcg bloodtests) rising well, but then it crashed. I went through hell the first day and then some sort of resolution and work busy-ness distraction for the rest of the week. By friday evening I was angry and upset. I refrained from calling friends who had not touched base with me in a while, and then I thought to call my babyloss friends but my cell battery started to die! Really though, I have difficulty picking up the phone when I'm like that. Gerry was watching the hockey game on TV and I wanted him to enjoy that time. My plan for saturday morning was to go to the gym and then yoga in the afternoon - a time to just concentrate on me again. But then I woke up with my bleed and really bad pelvic pain. My eyes were sore and hard to open. It was hard to even get out of bed I was so tired. Then that got me emotional again that I couldn't do things as planned. Gerry said my body just wasn't ready yet and he was right.

There is so much to write about.  My goal for the next few months is to chip away at the chronic stress in my life since we got engaged.....stay tuned for the venting and resolutions.

Honesty

Great (as in emotionally healthy) night catching up with my closest friend who has truly been there for me. We talked a lot about how I've been doing, my absolute love for her baby daughter who was born 6 weeks before my first was due -  but the slight distance that I keep from her, what support I need, and the emotions she has gone through being a new mom. A weight lifted off me. I also feel a step closer to opening up this blog to people beyond my "baby loss"/ "group" friends.

During times when I feel forgotten by those I'm close to in my life, I try to think of this:

Injections: Day 18

We now have enough supplies to start up our own Yaletown neighborhood safe-injection site.

How to help...

Here is something I read today...."How to help a friend or family member struggling with infertility" ...Some themes are the same for recurrent pregnancy loss. I've been looking at creating my own list, so this is a good start.

Don't Ignore Infertility: The Do's & Don'ts of Infertility Etiquette

Don't ignore the impact that your actions and words have on the people suffering through infertility. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and I wanted to take this opportunity to share with you some things that I learned during my hard walk through infertility. These are lessons that I hope will help you offer support and love to someone you know who might be dealing with the pain of infertility. It can be an awkward topic of conversation if you have never personally dealt with the frustration and the heartbreak of desperately wanting to start a family with no success.

Infertility: Diminished or absent ability to conceive and bear offspring.

I am far too familiar with the pain of infertility. We tried unsuccessfully for a little over a year to become pregnant until one glorious day the stick showed 2 pink lines. I was over the moon excited and we quickly told everyone we knew that the day had come, we were expecting a baby. Unfortunately, a few weeks later I had a miscarriage. Over the next 2 years I had 3 more miscarriages. Discouraged and heartbroken, we turned our attention to growing our family through adoption. We became foster parents, providing a home to infants and toddlers who needed a safe place. Our very first placement was a beautiful little one month old boy who we later adopted. 2 years later we added our eventual second son to the family as a foster child. We were quite content with our family of 4.


Shortly before we finalized our second adoption, the stick showed 2 pink lines once again. I was stunned, we had not been actively trying to get pregnant but nor were we doing anything to prevent it. We kept this new blessing to ourselves long past the customary 12 week mark out of fear. We had been down this road too many times to allow ourselves to feel anything but cautious hope. We were lucky and our surprise pregnancy led to the birth of our daughter, Maia. We went on to have 2 more children over the next few years but we also lost 2 babies in that time.

It was evident that we were surrounded by people who wanted to be supportive, who wanted to say or do the right thing but were not sure how. I want to share a few things you can do for someone suffering from the pain of infertility as well as a few things to please never say that come straight from my own experience.

Appropriate Things to Do for Someone Dealing with Infertility:

*Listen. It seems so simple but it is the number one thing I wish people had done for me. Don't try and rationalize or offer suggestions, just listen. If your friend or family member wants to yell, cry or curse her body, just listen and offer a supportive hug.

*Be There. So many people that I thought were my friends disappeared during my struggle with infertility. I know that they thought they were sparing me pain because they were pregnant or had small children but it was hurtful to be excluded. Call your friend, invite them places, do a Girls Night, go to the spa together. Take the time to make time for her. It matters more than you know.

*Allow them Space. Infertility is a very personal journey for some. Realize that your friend might not want to talk about it. A simple "I'm here for you if you want to talk and I'm here for you even if you don't want to talk" lets your friend or family member know that her infertility will not be the topic of every conversation but that you are willing to listen if she needs an ear.

*When in doubt, ask. If you are unsure about how to help or support your friend dealing with infertility, ask. I had a few friends who stepped up and said "I have no idea what to do or say, please tell me." I would much rather have had someone ask me how to help instead of just ignoring the issue or even worse, cutting off all contact. For some, it goes a long way to just ask how it is all going. She will give you a short answer if she is not up for talking about it, or a long answer if she does. It is thoughtful when asked how you are doing rather than when is your next treatment or have you found out the results yet - that feels like a scoreboard status update than how she is really feeling.

*Learn about the treatments they are going through. Figure out how you can help get through the physical pain and emotional battle. The IVF procedures can be very hard on the body and draining on the soul. Make some dinners/ snacks, walk their dog, babysit an older child, bring some DVDs. Anything to help your friend stay off her feet and feel less stressed. That help is also appreciated during a miscarriage.

*Steer the conversation away from babies. I think there is a happy medium on this.  I realize that if you are pregnant or raising little ones this is a large part of your life and avoiding it completely can be more awkward.  Take her lead on how much she wants to discuss that. But, try to ask them questions about themselves or steer the conversation to other parts of life, i.e. hobbies, politics, shopping, marriage, etc.  Sometimes it's easy to feel alienated in a room full of moms talking about babies and pregnancy and it reinforces the perception that "everyone but me is pregnant."

Things to NEVER EVER Do or Say to Someone Dealing with Infertility:

*Do not offer platitudes of any kind. I did not want to hear about your second cousin's best friend's sister who just had to stop trying and BOOM, she was pregnant. I did not want you to tell me that is was our adoptions that made me get pregnant. I did not want to hear how maybe I should just relax and it would happen.

*Do not complain about your kids or your pregnancy. I absolutely did not find it funny when a mom friend would offer to give me one of her misbehaving children. I did not sympathize with the friend who called me every other day to whine about one of her pregnancy symptoms. Nothing personal, but that is insensitive. I'm sure you have other mom friends or pregnant friends who will commiserate with you on these topics. Have some compassion for your friend who would give anything to be in your position at that moment.

*Do not offer medical advice. If you do not have an MD behind your name, please do not dispense medical advice on an issue that you likely know nothing about. I got advice from everyone and their grandmother about how I should try some new procedure that they heard on TV or saw in a magazine or even worse, read about on the internet. Rest assured, your friend is working with a top notch infertility doctor that she has likely spent hours researching.

*Do not minimize their struggle. Studies have shown that the emotional pain experienced by a woman suffering from infertility is similar to a woman suffering from breast cancer. 

*Do not judge their choices. If they choose to pursue adoption, support them. If they choose to try IVF, support them. If they choose to be childless, support them. Your job is not to play judge and jury or to attempt to sway them towards a different decision. Your job is to provide the very best support system that you can. If you honestly feel that you cannot support their choices then perhaps it is time to take a closer look at whether you are being a helpful or a negative influence in their life. 

*Do not tell anyone else their business. This is personal information, medical information. Even when asked by someone with the best intention, it is not your role to inform them of status updates, diagnosis, or even the fact that they are struggling. They have chosen who they wish to speak to about this and that needs to be respected. Trust is important.

Reunion

You know the hormone drugs are working when the Budweiser Clydesdale Horses commercial makes you cry....