The evening of Deepuk's birthday, I sit here in tears watching the memorial service for twenty first-graders and those women who tried to protect them. Also remembering the mother of the shooter, whose other son and family must also be grieving.
I remember in vivid detail the funerals for Deepuk age 24, Marie age 2, Nicky age 6, and Scarlett who died full-term in her mother's womb. All of whom died tragically far too young and robbed of their futures. At Deepuk's viewing, I screamed and had a complete meltdown. At Marie and Nicky's funerals who died two weeks apart, I had to stay strong for my mom. At Scarlett's funeral earlier this year, I broke down really hard at times seeing the small pink coffin, the burial, and the grief of their families. A few people said it was too much for me to attend given my recent miscarriages and losing my job that week. I disagreed because it was the least I could do compared to what her parents were going through. It's kinda the same watching CNN right now. I've been through grief and watch not in a way as I did over 11 years ago where I thought it was "so sad", but now in empathy of the trauma, disbelief, and anguish experienced by the families.
I believe in God. But I don't understand his powers. So many of our friends and family pray to be blessed. Then they are so thankful for their blessings and pray for more. We prayed and prayed so hard for blessings of a baby when God was ready, but got continuously turned down. Or maybe it's not up to him, so why pray for that? Why bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people is so illogical. I've had more than my share of bad things in my life - starting with things in childhood I haven't wrote about here. So am I a bad person? I don't think so. I prayed for forgiveness for any and all dumb things I have done. Am I one of those strong people who are chosen for bullshit because I guess I can endure such things? Ok, fine but (again) haven't I had my share now? I am truly thankful for the good things in my life - my husband, my family, close friends, my home, my new job. Some people get more blessings and sometimes I just feel conflicted as to why. Why do some get a bad hand of cards but others are full of kings and aces? Can't we just deal another hand?
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