I Will Wait

So it was time to pick a movie....Gerry suggested the The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Oh yes, I remembered seeing the trailer....I gave him a quick heads up that it is about a childless couple but he nudged to see it anyway - better than some others we have passed over lately like Friends with Kids and What to Expect When You are Expecting. 

The couple grieves their inability to conceive a child and bury a box in the garden of all the traits they wanted in their son or daughter. That night a ten year old boy is "born" from the garden. We looked at each other and said "hey, we already planned to garden tomorrow!" 

Okay spoiler alert if you want to see this movie.....so the child teaches the couple lessons that they are already meant to be parents but later he must "leave". The couple decides to adopt and in the last scene, the social worker brought them a little girl....and that's when my crying started...not the few tears that shed during a poignant scene or a sad movie, but the "built up, soft, shaky, slightly hyperventilating, release tears" I get on rare occasion when I think of my babies I have lost and how much I long for a child. Gerry said this movie is about hope and I nodded in agreement.

The next day we gardened. We had already bought a beautiful lilac tree for our patio. A few weeks ago, Gerry accidentally pulled out the two sonogram pics of "Puck", our first baby. He felt bad I had to see it again, but it was okay. There were some things we had kept such as my pregnancy test and those pictures. It was all we had really. The second time we got pregnant, they didn't give us pictures of the ultrasounds - likely in dire anticipation it would not be successful. The other pregnancies ended too early for pictures. I didn't know what to do with Puck's pictures and we aren't really a symbolic/sappy  couple (so I thought) but thought maybe I would bury it someday (keeping a photocopy). 

We took out the two pictures and I wrote on the back of one, Gerry wrote on the other. In my message, I also noted the dates all my babies were lost.  We then laid them in the soil. It was harder than I thought and those tears came out again. In the movie, the couple had come to that point of acceptance, but we said to each other that we are not giving up. On the radio, Corey Hart's Everything in My Heart was playing which was nice. Then as we planted the tree, a new song came on...Mumford & Sons' I Will Wait (for you). It was actually quite uplifting and very fitting. I will wait to meet my babies one day, later joking that we'll have a truckload of kids up in heaven, but I will also wait to embrace my child - either born to me, through adoption, or grown from a garden. I will be strong, I will bow down, I will have hope. And I will wait, I will wait for you.

Well I came home like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of dust, which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

And I'll kneel down; wait for now
And I'll kneel down; know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step, and relent
Well you forgave, and I won't forget
Know what we've seen and him with less
Now in some way shake the excess

But I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

Now I'll be bold as well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh and fix my eyes
A tethered mind freed from the lies

But I'll kneel down; wait for now
I'll kneel down; know my ground

Raise my hands; paint my spirit gold
Bow my head; keep my heart slow

'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you