1. Being childless is different from child free, and the article blends the two worlds. I've known many people from the time we were kids who never wanted children (not because they would be bad parents) and that has not changed to this day. I commend them for knowing what they want. Surely some comments as noted in the article are hurtful to them, but it is different for those who are childless for reasons outside their control. I also know couples who unsuccessfully tried to have kids naturally but felt okay with either direction their lives took. We need to be respectful that everyone handles things differently.
2. ''Oh, it is such a pity''.... ''you don't know love until you have a child''..."I wasn't complete until I had kids''. I pity myself for my situation, which is fully acceptable, so I cannot blame others who pity me so long as their "support" it is free from insensitive and hurtful remarks. Yes, if I was child free, as a feminist I fully agree that my happiness can be fulfilled without children. Being childless, I do feel a void in my life and want that type of love in my life. I cannot blame others for proclaiming how much a child has changed their life, but again people need to be mindful of remarks that are hurtful to others and feeds a society where one must have children to be content.
3. "Many childless women in their 30s want to have children, but can't due to reasons ''beyond their control'' such as not having a partner, stable relationship, or partner that wants children." Infertility, miscarriage, and stillbirth (note stillbirth parents have children, just not living) are also examples of "beyond their control" - an assumption made by many is that some drugs or IVF is guaranteed to work, and if it doesn't, then something is certainly wrong with you and therefore it is your fault. A big issue for Gerry and I as we are in the unexplained category. An off the cuff diagnosis from a non-clinician in regards miscarriage or stillbirth also places blame, e.g. not seeing the signs, too much stress, too active during pregnancy, not eating well....Even if there is a reason, why place blame? Do cancer patients with genetic dispositions or even those who chose to smoke knowing the risks, get blamed, questioned, or spoken to with such judgement?
4. "Sadly, I am acquainted with a bevy of women of varied age at the moment who are not yet philosophical or content with their childless state, and won't start to be until all avenues are exhausted at great financial, emotional, psychological and physical expense." Well to me that means that couples struggling to have a baby will and should one day be fully content as a child free couple. Those couples grieving loss, whether it is an inability to conceive naturally or with reproductive assistance, miscarriage(s), stillborn(s), or combination or all of those (yes there are couples who have suffered from all three), may never have this full acceptance/content the author assumes they must have. I read an article once that for those such couples who started to live a life much different than they anticipated - with a different definition of happiness - thought they were through the worst until the friends they reclaimed after their child-rearing years were over then later became grandparents...thus the pain resurrected.
5. Perhaps a picture without a smiling baby might attract more child less and child free couples to read this article. On the other hand, those who have kids need to read this and hey, a smiling baby is too cute to ignore.
6. I also emphasize couples, because often a man's desire to have (or not have) a family are overlooked and society therefore zones in on the woman thus creating a culture of blame for childlessness as "her fault". So evident when an older auntie kept chiding me "what's wrong with YOU?". Statistics show that infertility causes are 40% due to male factor reasons, 40% due to female factor reasons, and 20% is unexplained.
Have a read.....
A few things you shouldn't say to a childless woman
Wendy Squires
Not all women can have babies or want to have babies. Photo: Kylie Pickett
There are two words for the woman who reached over the table, grabbed my hand and in a consolatory tone announced, ''It's a tragedy you never got around to having children. It's the most wonderful thing a woman can do.''
Those words are ''shut'' and ''up'' (the printable response) or, more charitably, ''think'' and ''first''. Because it doesn't take Freud to work out this statement was patronising, assumptive and just plain insensitive.
The would-be Buddhist in me told me these were her issues. This woman was jealous that I exist happily without children. The thought of a life without being a mother is too dark for her to contemplate. She couldn't cope without ticking that box and believes I should feel the same. She was projecting her own issues on me, transferring her pain.
But I still wanted to thump her. Hard. Not just for me, but for all childless women. I'm talking about sisters on IVF; the ones who can't carry to term; those who've suffered stillbirth or the loss of a child; the infertile; those with infertile partners; the ones hoping and waiting on a committed relationship; the ambivalent; the never intended to and don't feel the need to justify the fact.
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Most of the childless women I know do find peace with their circumstances, even if it takes some time. Until, that is, someone comes along and demands their curiosity itch be scratched as to why no kids or, worse, declares you emotionally or spiritually unfulfilled with uncalled for comments such as the one I endured.
I believe children are a gift and not a given in life, and those who receive should be grateful. They should not be offering from on high ''Oh, it is such a pity'', ''a tragedy'', ''you would have loved it'', consolations to those without - even if well intended. People need to stop and think what they are really saying to another with ''you don't know love until you have a child'', ''I wasn't complete until I had kids'', ''you are nothing without family'' or the deplorable ''don't you like children?''
A guised compliment does not a sympathetic or empathetic person make. And being a mother doesn't necessarily mean you are a good one or in a position to inform someone else that they would be. A woman's reason for being childless is her own. It is no one else's business to fill in the blanks.
A friend of mine who is a well-known celebrity understands this. I was watching when she was interviewed on TV once. The male host skipped through her bio with the clanger, ''You decided to choose career over family …'' I will never forget my friend's face, frozen in a smile that hid the angry tears I knew were welling. I was aware she had not chosen career over family as he so rudely surmised, but that she had miscarried her much-wanted baby late term and was told she would never have another as a result. Like most women there was a backstory to her situation, one that didn't need ignorant supposition to aggravate.
I was with a girlfriend who had recently been told to give up on IVF and witnessed her pain when the ''you don't know love until you have a child'' remark was dropped at a party. I have often wondered if those making the comments were aware of how they may feel if the roles were reversed and childless women asked: ''What on earth made you want do that?'' or ''it's not all rainbows and unicorns being a mother, you know''.
Sadly, I am acquainted with a bevy of women of varied age at the moment who are not yet philosophical or content with their childless state, and won't start to be until all avenues are exhausted at great financial, emotional, psychological and physical expense. Some are handling their situation better than others but all are generally tender in the company of strangers when the topic of children arises; hormonal, sensitive and often depressed, in a world of pain that does not cope well with smug assumptions.
These women are living with statistics showing they have little to no chance of conceiving, and are destined to join the ranks of the fastest-growing family type in Australia, childless. The Bureau of Statistics predicts that by 2031 the proportion of families with children will be overtaken by couples without, by 38 to 43 per cent. Yet this teetering majority is barely heard in our ''working family'' skewed society. There are no tax breaks if you are childless. None. Yet they too pay for education, baby bonuses and infant healthcare that their family will never call on.
The simple fact - not that it is anyone's damn business in the first place - is that most childless women today feel the decision was taken out of their hands through lack of financial and emotional security. According to a study in Australia's Journal of Population Health, many childless women in their 30s want to have children, but can't due to reasons ''beyond their control'' such as not having a partner, stable relationship, or partner that wants children.
Perhaps in future when judging another woman on her life choices or publicly applauding your own, these statistics should be kept in mind. Not all women are awarded the same opportunities in life and not all women want or need them. Surely we can all agree on mutual respect and consideration of circumstance as a safe middle ground.
Saturday Age columnist Wendy Squires is a journalist, editor and author. Twitter: @Wendy_Squires
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