At the car show... as per wife duty to a husband who works in the automotive industry. It's going to be a long night :)
I guessed this car was 100K - nope it is 1M.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
Friday, March 29, 2013
Date Night
At the car show... as per wife duty to a husband who works in the automotive industry. It's going to be a long night :)
I guessed this car was 100K - nope it is 1M.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
You're fired
Don't worry, I'm still employed....this (very long) post I drafted for the past couple weeks is an attempt to get the events I experienced in the past year fully off my chest. Gerry is going to put me on a word count limit soon....
A year ago today we were prepping for IVF. The process would have started in about 5 days and the injections were going to begin shortly. We were just waiting and hoping to see if our last IUI cycle would work before the more intensive treatment was needed with far higher financial risk. My work knew I needed two weeks off mid-April.
I went to work like every normal day. At 7:35am I was called into our boardroom upstairs which was so odd because I was generally the first one to arrive - I didn't even finish my breakfast. When I got upstairs, I saw the glass of water where I was to be seated....it was piecing together but I was in shock. I was quickly told by my latest CEO (5th in 10 years) that "we regret to inform you that your employment has been terminated". My world just flipped upside down. I sat there silently in rage but trying to stay somewhat calm because I was days away from finding out if I was pregnant.
The only thing I asked with clenched teeth was "why?". The answer was "without cause". I said forcefully "what's the reason?". "There is no reason, Ritu, it is without cause". Like I'm an idiot who doesn't know what that term means, and after 10 years of outstanding service they couldn't even provide any sort of explanation.
She then left the room as a tear formed in her eye (really? I'm not crying, why the hell should you be?). The Director just sat there and could hardly look at me. He recommended I review the package with a lawyer (no shit). The psychologist came in to speak with me alone and to make sure I took a cab home. At this point I started screaming and crying. She said again that she would call a cab for me because they had taken my blackberry - the only phone I had with all my contact information. I told her I wanted fucking nothing from them. I knew better it was only about their liability if something happened to me and not my well being. I called Gerry with her phone - the only phone number I knew from memory aside from my mom's. He was on his way to meet me at home. They brought up my purse and coat as I was not allowed to retrieve any of my things.
I knew immediately listening to her HR 101 termination script the catalyst for this decision - my new CEO (who was a former Director with us for a year and who I had stupidly helped get her CEO job since I was on the selection panel) had fully known about my miscarriages and fertility treatments, and events that occurred over the past year was giving me very strong spidey senses that I should start looking through the employment ads - and Gerry was strongly encouraging me to do so. My colleague and I both had dreams we had been fired. Sometimes I would come home in tears from all the stress she was putting on me for no reason, but I had been there for 10 years, working in a very specialized position. Just a week earlier, my ten year anniversary went completely unrecognized. My CEO hardly gave me eye contact. Then I would get mixed messages of how smart and wonderful I am and maybe I should consider applying to a Director position opening in government.
My former CEO/Director who I had worked with for 8.5 years always advised me that I cannot make a long-term career there since it was a small organization, and tried to reassure me that my skills were highly transferable to other careers in the industry. I was hesitant because I didn't want to take a lower level position but later resolved a lateral move to a non-management position at a lower but still decent salary could be my option. Higher level positions in government were a lateral pay move with a base in Victoria so I was not interested in commuting between Vancouver and Victoria. Sometimes I lacked the confidence to make that change. I liked the stability and I felt I helped build that organization and was so loyal. The timing was also horrible as I was finishing my Master's degree and we were trying to start a family. I needed the maternity leave top up pay, that was far above any other sector, and the stress of learning a new job was the last thing I needed at the time.
The day I lost my job, I didn't eat until later that night when Gerry had realized that and forced me to. I hardly slept for the next three days. I was constantly awake typing things in my new blackberry so I would not forget things that occurred and remarks made over the past year. My doctor prescribed meds to help me sleep. I would wake up in the morning crying that I couldn't believe this was real. Home again and nowhere to go. I was unemployed for the first time since I was 15 yrs old. I was laid off before from a contract job when I was young, but I lived at home at the time and had a part-time job on the side. This was so different. I didn't know how we could continue the fertility treatments, if I could get a job before I became visibly pregnant as generally employers are loathe to hire someone pregnant and close to going on leave, and if I could even help support our family whether or not we had a baby. It was also a difficult time as my friend's baby was stillborn just days earlier.
It took 2.5 hours to tell my lawyer what had happened. She took 42 pages of notes and was just appalled. I finally compiled my scribbles and notes into a 20 page account of the events, including quotes about the impact of my maternity leave, the cost of it, etc. I had a binder full of supporting documentation and full copy of my employee file. I was told I had a very strong case for discrimination based on gender, age, family status, and disability, i.e. the infertility.
I still couldn't fully sleep. I had to listen to my MP3 player at night so I could distract myself somewhat and calm down. I still couldn't believe this was happening to us and as I wrote earlier in my blog, I was humiliated, fearful of our future, and lacked confidence in my abilities.
The following week, my lawyer was finally able arrange a time when I could collect my belongings - a ton of stuff from textbooks, briefcases, travel photography framed on my walls, and some personal files over the years. They had first refused to provide my backup of my blackberry citing company property and reluctantly turned over the contact information; however all professional contacts from the sector were deleted including some people invited to my wedding. My personal calendar and outlook notes were finally turned over but in an untransferable format.
My first CEO allowed us $200 to spend on pictures to decorate our offices so I got frames for my personal photography. When we went back to my office to retrieve my belongings, I was so pissed at their "company property" statements, Gerry and I took out the photos and left an almost smashing mess of the frames on my desk since they were that cheap about everything.
We were otherwise silent the whole time we were there and didn't give eye contact, except when Gerry forcefully asked where my personal leather folder was - a gift from my co-op employer when I graduated. When we were leaving, the CEO asked Gerry if we needed a hand with the glass door. "NOPE." I could see outside the glass door stood a security guard, so I broke my silence and said sarcastically, "oh there's the security guard! I was wondering where the security guard was!" When we exited I said to the guard, "nothing exciting, 5'1 petite woman, no bombs, no powder" (not that infesting termites didnt cross our minds...) . He just laughed. It is such HR 101 to do that step for no legitimate reason like there could be a physical altercation. Oh right, women on fertility treatments are hormonal. Watch out.
It was embarrassing to pack the car with a close colleague from the organization next door walking by.
I felt so strongly principled that I should take this to the human rights tribunal, not for a higher settlement as that would be unlikely, but so the Board would be fully awaere of her actions. I was even ready to take this to the papers as government workforce bullying was a hot topic in the media and the anti-bullying legislation was in motion. We were very successful in getting media attention when Gerry's uncles from the Philippines were first denied visiting his father when terminally ill in 2008, so much so that the story was on the front page of the Vancouver Sun. I was ready to take this on as well.
However, tribunal rulings are released (let alone media attention) and I was strongly advised by my lawyer that I would unfortunately be seen as a troublemaker in the industry thus impacting my employability and long-term career. Even though I have a strong case and yes, people should not be weary of their convictions, I was advised to settle. I also needed to focus on my new job and the upcoming IVF so we needed this whole ordeal over with - as much as it pained me that she suffered no consequence for her discrimination. Settling was an incredibly difficult decision to make.
My Master's degree had a final client project which was 30% done for them and I had to start over. The IVF was cancelled and we lost extra benefits plan that covered part of the fertility treatments. Our plans to start the adoption process was on hold as I was unemployed and the homestudy would likely not go well.
During this time, so many people said to me this happened so something better will come. Tough to believe at the time but I hoped it would be true. I needed the confidence. I still was though in some way, and this may not be the best term to use, mourning my past job, my past life.
I did manage to apply to a posting referred by my friend the same day I got fired. I got the job but it was four days a week and therefore a salary cut. The three day weekends were helpful, especially with finishing school and trying to de-stress as best as I could, so I took it as a short-term blessing. In regards to settlement, public sector legislation prevents employees from collecting severance and working elsewhere at the same time to prevent double-dipping; however this was not the practice of my sector where employers didn't go after severed employees to pay back a portion of the package. I had even spoken to a government lawyer about that as part of my former job and he stated the decision to recoup severance pay lies with the employer. However, my lovely CEO would fight me to the penny so I got screwed over twice and then some. So financially we got set back even with my new job. And then there was the longer term psychological effects I will describe later.
I also took as a blessing that I got a job at an organization I had wanted to work at for years. I even did a short client project there as a student about 15 years ago. The woman I was replacing retired after 25 years. At her retirement party, the former Director came. The same person I had interviewed for my project. When I introduced myself, he said he remembered me. I laughed and shook my head, and he said honestly he remembers.
It was hard returning back to healthcare, a huge learning curve as so many practices are unwritten, but my manager said I was like a sponge and couldn't believe I picked up on stuff so fast. But some of the work was overwhelming at times. So my confidence went up and down a little. Reflecting on this now, losing my job was the best thing for my mental health and my career. I now work in a collegial team with a Manager and Director who give me the autonomy to do my job and support me where needed. On top of that I really enjoy the work I do and find the impact of my work is far more meaningful; something I had been wanting for some time. I also just got offered full-time work, which I had wanted before but reluctantly agreed to now (not in effect til September so I have time to complete my Master's project).
I refrained from bringing anything personal to my new office for the longest time. Now I have a picture of Moshi and keep two separate blackberries so I don't make the same mistake twice. Six months after I started I told my Manager about what happened because it was difficult to continue to ask for days off for medical leave when you don't know which exact days the fertility treatment will occur.
What's weird though is when people say now, something to the effect of "look, you worried for no reason, it was meant to be!", I find those statements a bit dismissive of the emotions I had experienced, and sometimes continue to experience. That was especially the case when I went to a psychologist a couple times after I lost my job. She told me I should "smile" and "see, you got a job, you will be fine now". I gave her the look but didn't say it: "Really? I am mad as hell and I should just be fucking happy! Thanks for helping me work through my emotions!!!" I didn't seek help since. I must mention though that I wrote in November how I am very thankful for the support I received during that time, which I am still truly grateful for.
It took me a very long time to get over the anger. It would just resurface sometimes with or without reason. However, even though I don't feel that anger much now, I sometimes wake up from a bad dream about my former employer. It has lessened over the past few months but still there. I hate going to my fertility clinic as my former office is in the building next door (they just moved last month - phew!). Whenever my new Manager says she needs to speak with me, like when she offered me a full time position a couple weeks ago, I think the worst - I'm going to get laid off. I was telling a former close colleague that it is like a smaller form of post-traumatic stress disorder. It was the last straw in a series of horrible events.
I might see them all at a former colleague's wedding in May. I'm not sure who is invited yet but already my stomach is clenching. I had seen my former CEO and her devilish assistant one time on Mother's Day weekend of all days (a year after the first time I found out I was pregnant) at a garden store. They pretended not to see us - the settlement wasn't signed off then.... so with the exception of Gerry's loud response "are you fucking serious??!!" (love my husband) when I told him they were three behind us in the lineup, we said nothing. We were picking something up for Scarlett and for Gerry's dad as we were going to visit them at their cemeteries; so it was very hard to see them there but helpful to focus on what was more important. If I don't see them at the wedding, the next time will be at a conference in June. I avoided it last year because I wasn't ready but I cant do that forever. So again, I need the confidence, and maybe some alcohol...
It sucks I won't look pregnant by then, but I now have bangs (December post), so they can focus on that :)
A year ago today we were prepping for IVF. The process would have started in about 5 days and the injections were going to begin shortly. We were just waiting and hoping to see if our last IUI cycle would work before the more intensive treatment was needed with far higher financial risk. My work knew I needed two weeks off mid-April.
I went to work like every normal day. At 7:35am I was called into our boardroom upstairs which was so odd because I was generally the first one to arrive - I didn't even finish my breakfast. When I got upstairs, I saw the glass of water where I was to be seated....it was piecing together but I was in shock. I was quickly told by my latest CEO (5th in 10 years) that "we regret to inform you that your employment has been terminated". My world just flipped upside down. I sat there silently in rage but trying to stay somewhat calm because I was days away from finding out if I was pregnant.
The only thing I asked with clenched teeth was "why?". The answer was "without cause". I said forcefully "what's the reason?". "There is no reason, Ritu, it is without cause". Like I'm an idiot who doesn't know what that term means, and after 10 years of outstanding service they couldn't even provide any sort of explanation.
She then left the room as a tear formed in her eye (really? I'm not crying, why the hell should you be?). The Director just sat there and could hardly look at me. He recommended I review the package with a lawyer (no shit). The psychologist came in to speak with me alone and to make sure I took a cab home. At this point I started screaming and crying. She said again that she would call a cab for me because they had taken my blackberry - the only phone I had with all my contact information. I told her I wanted fucking nothing from them. I knew better it was only about their liability if something happened to me and not my well being. I called Gerry with her phone - the only phone number I knew from memory aside from my mom's. He was on his way to meet me at home. They brought up my purse and coat as I was not allowed to retrieve any of my things.
I knew immediately listening to her HR 101 termination script the catalyst for this decision - my new CEO (who was a former Director with us for a year and who I had stupidly helped get her CEO job since I was on the selection panel) had fully known about my miscarriages and fertility treatments, and events that occurred over the past year was giving me very strong spidey senses that I should start looking through the employment ads - and Gerry was strongly encouraging me to do so. My colleague and I both had dreams we had been fired. Sometimes I would come home in tears from all the stress she was putting on me for no reason, but I had been there for 10 years, working in a very specialized position. Just a week earlier, my ten year anniversary went completely unrecognized. My CEO hardly gave me eye contact. Then I would get mixed messages of how smart and wonderful I am and maybe I should consider applying to a Director position opening in government.
My former CEO/Director who I had worked with for 8.5 years always advised me that I cannot make a long-term career there since it was a small organization, and tried to reassure me that my skills were highly transferable to other careers in the industry. I was hesitant because I didn't want to take a lower level position but later resolved a lateral move to a non-management position at a lower but still decent salary could be my option. Higher level positions in government were a lateral pay move with a base in Victoria so I was not interested in commuting between Vancouver and Victoria. Sometimes I lacked the confidence to make that change. I liked the stability and I felt I helped build that organization and was so loyal. The timing was also horrible as I was finishing my Master's degree and we were trying to start a family. I needed the maternity leave top up pay, that was far above any other sector, and the stress of learning a new job was the last thing I needed at the time.
The day I lost my job, I didn't eat until later that night when Gerry had realized that and forced me to. I hardly slept for the next three days. I was constantly awake typing things in my new blackberry so I would not forget things that occurred and remarks made over the past year. My doctor prescribed meds to help me sleep. I would wake up in the morning crying that I couldn't believe this was real. Home again and nowhere to go. I was unemployed for the first time since I was 15 yrs old. I was laid off before from a contract job when I was young, but I lived at home at the time and had a part-time job on the side. This was so different. I didn't know how we could continue the fertility treatments, if I could get a job before I became visibly pregnant as generally employers are loathe to hire someone pregnant and close to going on leave, and if I could even help support our family whether or not we had a baby. It was also a difficult time as my friend's baby was stillborn just days earlier.
It took 2.5 hours to tell my lawyer what had happened. She took 42 pages of notes and was just appalled. I finally compiled my scribbles and notes into a 20 page account of the events, including quotes about the impact of my maternity leave, the cost of it, etc. I had a binder full of supporting documentation and full copy of my employee file. I was told I had a very strong case for discrimination based on gender, age, family status, and disability, i.e. the infertility.
I still couldn't fully sleep. I had to listen to my MP3 player at night so I could distract myself somewhat and calm down. I still couldn't believe this was happening to us and as I wrote earlier in my blog, I was humiliated, fearful of our future, and lacked confidence in my abilities.
The following week, my lawyer was finally able arrange a time when I could collect my belongings - a ton of stuff from textbooks, briefcases, travel photography framed on my walls, and some personal files over the years. They had first refused to provide my backup of my blackberry citing company property and reluctantly turned over the contact information; however all professional contacts from the sector were deleted including some people invited to my wedding. My personal calendar and outlook notes were finally turned over but in an untransferable format.
My first CEO allowed us $200 to spend on pictures to decorate our offices so I got frames for my personal photography. When we went back to my office to retrieve my belongings, I was so pissed at their "company property" statements, Gerry and I took out the photos and left an almost smashing mess of the frames on my desk since they were that cheap about everything.
We were otherwise silent the whole time we were there and didn't give eye contact, except when Gerry forcefully asked where my personal leather folder was - a gift from my co-op employer when I graduated. When we were leaving, the CEO asked Gerry if we needed a hand with the glass door. "NOPE." I could see outside the glass door stood a security guard, so I broke my silence and said sarcastically, "oh there's the security guard! I was wondering where the security guard was!" When we exited I said to the guard, "nothing exciting, 5'1 petite woman, no bombs, no powder" (not that infesting termites didnt cross our minds...) . He just laughed. It is such HR 101 to do that step for no legitimate reason like there could be a physical altercation. Oh right, women on fertility treatments are hormonal. Watch out.
It was embarrassing to pack the car with a close colleague from the organization next door walking by.
I felt so strongly principled that I should take this to the human rights tribunal, not for a higher settlement as that would be unlikely, but so the Board would be fully awaere of her actions. I was even ready to take this to the papers as government workforce bullying was a hot topic in the media and the anti-bullying legislation was in motion. We were very successful in getting media attention when Gerry's uncles from the Philippines were first denied visiting his father when terminally ill in 2008, so much so that the story was on the front page of the Vancouver Sun. I was ready to take this on as well.
However, tribunal rulings are released (let alone media attention) and I was strongly advised by my lawyer that I would unfortunately be seen as a troublemaker in the industry thus impacting my employability and long-term career. Even though I have a strong case and yes, people should not be weary of their convictions, I was advised to settle. I also needed to focus on my new job and the upcoming IVF so we needed this whole ordeal over with - as much as it pained me that she suffered no consequence for her discrimination. Settling was an incredibly difficult decision to make.
My Master's degree had a final client project which was 30% done for them and I had to start over. The IVF was cancelled and we lost extra benefits plan that covered part of the fertility treatments. Our plans to start the adoption process was on hold as I was unemployed and the homestudy would likely not go well.
During this time, so many people said to me this happened so something better will come. Tough to believe at the time but I hoped it would be true. I needed the confidence. I still was though in some way, and this may not be the best term to use, mourning my past job, my past life.
I did manage to apply to a posting referred by my friend the same day I got fired. I got the job but it was four days a week and therefore a salary cut. The three day weekends were helpful, especially with finishing school and trying to de-stress as best as I could, so I took it as a short-term blessing. In regards to settlement, public sector legislation prevents employees from collecting severance and working elsewhere at the same time to prevent double-dipping; however this was not the practice of my sector where employers didn't go after severed employees to pay back a portion of the package. I had even spoken to a government lawyer about that as part of my former job and he stated the decision to recoup severance pay lies with the employer. However, my lovely CEO would fight me to the penny so I got screwed over twice and then some. So financially we got set back even with my new job. And then there was the longer term psychological effects I will describe later.
I also took as a blessing that I got a job at an organization I had wanted to work at for years. I even did a short client project there as a student about 15 years ago. The woman I was replacing retired after 25 years. At her retirement party, the former Director came. The same person I had interviewed for my project. When I introduced myself, he said he remembered me. I laughed and shook my head, and he said honestly he remembers.
It was hard returning back to healthcare, a huge learning curve as so many practices are unwritten, but my manager said I was like a sponge and couldn't believe I picked up on stuff so fast. But some of the work was overwhelming at times. So my confidence went up and down a little. Reflecting on this now, losing my job was the best thing for my mental health and my career. I now work in a collegial team with a Manager and Director who give me the autonomy to do my job and support me where needed. On top of that I really enjoy the work I do and find the impact of my work is far more meaningful; something I had been wanting for some time. I also just got offered full-time work, which I had wanted before but reluctantly agreed to now (not in effect til September so I have time to complete my Master's project).
I refrained from bringing anything personal to my new office for the longest time. Now I have a picture of Moshi and keep two separate blackberries so I don't make the same mistake twice. Six months after I started I told my Manager about what happened because it was difficult to continue to ask for days off for medical leave when you don't know which exact days the fertility treatment will occur.
What's weird though is when people say now, something to the effect of "look, you worried for no reason, it was meant to be!", I find those statements a bit dismissive of the emotions I had experienced, and sometimes continue to experience. That was especially the case when I went to a psychologist a couple times after I lost my job. She told me I should "smile" and "see, you got a job, you will be fine now". I gave her the look but didn't say it: "Really? I am mad as hell and I should just be fucking happy! Thanks for helping me work through my emotions!!!" I didn't seek help since. I must mention though that I wrote in November how I am very thankful for the support I received during that time, which I am still truly grateful for.
It took me a very long time to get over the anger. It would just resurface sometimes with or without reason. However, even though I don't feel that anger much now, I sometimes wake up from a bad dream about my former employer. It has lessened over the past few months but still there. I hate going to my fertility clinic as my former office is in the building next door (they just moved last month - phew!). Whenever my new Manager says she needs to speak with me, like when she offered me a full time position a couple weeks ago, I think the worst - I'm going to get laid off. I was telling a former close colleague that it is like a smaller form of post-traumatic stress disorder. It was the last straw in a series of horrible events.
I might see them all at a former colleague's wedding in May. I'm not sure who is invited yet but already my stomach is clenching. I had seen my former CEO and her devilish assistant one time on Mother's Day weekend of all days (a year after the first time I found out I was pregnant) at a garden store. They pretended not to see us - the settlement wasn't signed off then.... so with the exception of Gerry's loud response "are you fucking serious??!!" (love my husband) when I told him they were three behind us in the lineup, we said nothing. We were picking something up for Scarlett and for Gerry's dad as we were going to visit them at their cemeteries; so it was very hard to see them there but helpful to focus on what was more important. If I don't see them at the wedding, the next time will be at a conference in June. I avoided it last year because I wasn't ready but I cant do that forever. So again, I need the confidence, and maybe some alcohol...
It sucks I won't look pregnant by then, but I now have bangs (December post), so they can focus on that :)
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Hospital reply...
The following is the response from the hospital in regards to my letter last week (posted to my blog as "Why are you crying?"). A bit disappointing but not unexpected since the first event happened almost two years ago.
***
Patient Relations: Thank you very much for this letter. I imagine it was a difficult one to write given the circumstances. It is apparent that you took the time to be reflective about your experience, which you described very well.
It appears that there were some good connections with some people at _____, although they were mired in a very sad outcome. But there was also that very scary experience, and then some times when our staff failed to understand your situation and your emotional state. I completely agree with you that no one should make an assumption about how people should manage or adjust to personal health matters, and I certainly agree that a miscarriage is a significant loss.
My plan is to forward your letter to colleagues in the Emergency department, the Maternity program, and the unit you were hospitalized on, as it will help us understand from a patient’s perspective, the importance for all health care professionals to recognize the intricacies of delivering good and careful caring assistance to our patients. I read a quote once that had resonance for me, and perhaps is applicable here - “The care of a patient is in the caring for the patient”.
As well, I am going to ask the operations leader for the medical unit to remind her staff that call buttons must be easily accessible to be useful. Even though this happened some time ago, I think it’s good for them to be mindful that they should check the placement, and ensure that they can be easily used if the need arises.
If there are any other issues you would like me to forward or pursue, please be in touch with me again.
I wish you the very best. Take care.
Me: Thank you for your reply. I would like to reiterate I kept using the call button, but no one came. So it is not an issue of accessibility, it is one of responsiveness.
Patient Relations: Hi again…thanks for the clarification…that is even more important for me to know and pass along.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Explaining the Unexplained
So we have been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" which effects 2% of all couples. The last time we went to the clinic we were told that we were on "the wrong side of the stats" and they would test some more to see if anything was missed.
Part of our initial testing over 2 years ago was a hysteroscopy that showed through a camera (very uncomfortable and crampy) that there was nothing wrong with my uterus such as fibroids or scar tissue. My first two pregnancies from IUI, which is far less intrusive than IVF, lasted the longest at 11 and 8 weeks. We elected to do a D&C surgery both times so we can test to see if abnormal chromosomes were the reason for our losses - a common reason for miscarriage when usually the egg does not divide properly. D&C's could cause scarring but we were told the chances were low. Abnormal chromosomes were determined for our first pregnancy and the test for the second pregnancy was inconclusive.
After the third pregnancy from the IVF resulted in an early miscarriage, we did another hysteroscopy that showed a small scar in the corner of my uterus. My doctor suggested I get minor surgery which occurred last October with my ob/gyn before we tried the two rounds of frozen embryo transfers (FETs). Emotionally I didn't handle the surgery too well but got through it. But then the frozen cycles resulted in a chemical pregnancy and early miscarriage at 6 weeks as well. We were so frustrated that the IUIs gave us "better" results when statistically the IVF/FETs have a much higher success rate.
Today I went for another hysteroscopy. This time more scarring was found in an upper area so we were quite confused. Doc said when they remove some scarring it can reveal more later. She said (something to the effect of) what could be happening is the lack of blood flow to the lining is not allowing the pregnancy to sustain too long after the implantation so the latest pregnancies are ending quite early.
I was so dismayed to find out I need to go in for a fourth surgery. It may not be until at least July/August unless I can get triaged earlier. Then there is recovery time before the next IVF. This delays everything once again, including adoption. I was also pissed we didn't do another hysteroscopy or other test after the surgery to make sure it was all okay.
On the other hand, we are so resolved to try anything for what may be the last round of fertility treatments. If this explains part of the unexplained, then back to the hospital I go.....
***
More info here, but need to connect with my physician peeps:
http://laparoscopy.blogs.com/prevention_management_3/2010/11/intrauterine-adhesions-hysteroscopic-evaluation-and-treatment.html
Part of our initial testing over 2 years ago was a hysteroscopy that showed through a camera (very uncomfortable and crampy) that there was nothing wrong with my uterus such as fibroids or scar tissue. My first two pregnancies from IUI, which is far less intrusive than IVF, lasted the longest at 11 and 8 weeks. We elected to do a D&C surgery both times so we can test to see if abnormal chromosomes were the reason for our losses - a common reason for miscarriage when usually the egg does not divide properly. D&C's could cause scarring but we were told the chances were low. Abnormal chromosomes were determined for our first pregnancy and the test for the second pregnancy was inconclusive.
After the third pregnancy from the IVF resulted in an early miscarriage, we did another hysteroscopy that showed a small scar in the corner of my uterus. My doctor suggested I get minor surgery which occurred last October with my ob/gyn before we tried the two rounds of frozen embryo transfers (FETs). Emotionally I didn't handle the surgery too well but got through it. But then the frozen cycles resulted in a chemical pregnancy and early miscarriage at 6 weeks as well. We were so frustrated that the IUIs gave us "better" results when statistically the IVF/FETs have a much higher success rate.
Today I went for another hysteroscopy. This time more scarring was found in an upper area so we were quite confused. Doc said when they remove some scarring it can reveal more later. She said (something to the effect of) what could be happening is the lack of blood flow to the lining is not allowing the pregnancy to sustain too long after the implantation so the latest pregnancies are ending quite early.
I was so dismayed to find out I need to go in for a fourth surgery. It may not be until at least July/August unless I can get triaged earlier. Then there is recovery time before the next IVF. This delays everything once again, including adoption. I was also pissed we didn't do another hysteroscopy or other test after the surgery to make sure it was all okay.
On the other hand, we are so resolved to try anything for what may be the last round of fertility treatments. If this explains part of the unexplained, then back to the hospital I go.....
***
More info here, but need to connect with my physician peeps:
http://laparoscopy.blogs.com/prevention_management_3/2010/11/intrauterine-adhesions-hysteroscopic-evaluation-and-treatment.html
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Happy Birthday Scarlett
Dear Scarlett,
I remember when your mom and I, in our single days and usually over a meal or a glass of wine, used to talk about the qualities in men we were looking for - good husband, good father, high morals, integrity, charitable, world vision, world traveler, preferably fishes or is willing to learn, and would not rent a hotel room in lieu of camping - to name a few.
I remember when your mom met your dad and I knew right away she found all that and much more.
I remember when your mom and dad got married, and no one else I have ever known had such a beautiful ceremony with the most amazing sunset to follow. Trust me it was amazing - one of those rare weather events only your Tito Gerry can explain because I'm not much of a science person. I'm happy the picture of the "dip" rests with you.
I remember when your mom announced she was pregnant with you. I cried so many happy tears to her over a long voicemail I had left because it was such long waited, wonderful news that was finally happening. You gave me hope.
I remember rolling my eyes laughing when your mom told me you were a girl - no surprise with those genetics.
I remember your baby shower. Your mom just glowing, and wearing a hat that she didn't take off for months. How overjoyed your whole family and all of us aunties were. We were all so excited to meet you, Snowdrop.
I remember in March I would look at the calendar and see how many days were left, wondering how your mom was hanging in there.
And then I remember the day you were born, and everything came crashing down. It was a year ago today. The first time I was able to hug and cry with your mom, the first thing she told me was how beautiful you are. The moment when we released the balloons you brought us some sunshine on a dark, rainy day.
So I remember you today with so much mixed emotion, and as painful as it is to say, I wish you a happy birthday dear Scarlett Amelia. A beautiful baby girl we love so much and remember always. As your cousin says, "how could I miss someone so much who I had never even met?"
Love, Tita
I remember when your mom and I, in our single days and usually over a meal or a glass of wine, used to talk about the qualities in men we were looking for - good husband, good father, high morals, integrity, charitable, world vision, world traveler, preferably fishes or is willing to learn, and would not rent a hotel room in lieu of camping - to name a few.
I remember when your mom met your dad and I knew right away she found all that and much more.
I remember when your mom and dad got married, and no one else I have ever known had such a beautiful ceremony with the most amazing sunset to follow. Trust me it was amazing - one of those rare weather events only your Tito Gerry can explain because I'm not much of a science person. I'm happy the picture of the "dip" rests with you.
I remember when your mom announced she was pregnant with you. I cried so many happy tears to her over a long voicemail I had left because it was such long waited, wonderful news that was finally happening. You gave me hope.
I remember rolling my eyes laughing when your mom told me you were a girl - no surprise with those genetics.
I remember your baby shower. Your mom just glowing, and wearing a hat that she didn't take off for months. How overjoyed your whole family and all of us aunties were. We were all so excited to meet you, Snowdrop.
I remember in March I would look at the calendar and see how many days were left, wondering how your mom was hanging in there.
And then I remember the day you were born, and everything came crashing down. It was a year ago today. The first time I was able to hug and cry with your mom, the first thing she told me was how beautiful you are. The moment when we released the balloons you brought us some sunshine on a dark, rainy day.
So I remember you today with so much mixed emotion, and as painful as it is to say, I wish you a happy birthday dear Scarlett Amelia. A beautiful baby girl we love so much and remember always. As your cousin says, "how could I miss someone so much who I had never even met?"
Love, Tita
Sunday, March 24, 2013
SLC
So proud of my friends today - three bereaved families who have founded Still Life Canada:
http://still-lifecanada.ca/01/
Love to Scarlett, Toren, and Amelia
break the silence
http://still-lifecanada.ca/01/
Love to Scarlett, Toren, and Amelia
break the silence
Friday, March 22, 2013
"Why are you crying?"
The following is a letter to the hospital where I was treated for my first two miscarriages. I felt compelled to write this to them for some time now:
Dear ___
I am writing this letter to advise you of my experience after recent treatments at this hospital. In June of 2011, I went to the emergency room early in the morning with the uncertainty that I was miscarrying at 11 weeks pregnant. Dr. K provided exceptional care, and the same when Dr. A arrived to discuss my options. It was surprising that both physicians were incredibly compassionate. One usually thinks it is the nurses who are the kind ones whereas the doctors are more clinical and time pressed. Upon the advice of our fertility clinic, we decided to have a D&C so they could later perform a cytogenetics pathology test. It was difficult to grieve in a public area after a number of ultrasounds confirmed our baby's heartbeat was gone. Finally, I was admitted and brought upstairs. When I broke down crying in my bed, my nurse (female) simply asked "why are you crying, are you in pain?" My husband reminded her I had a miscarriage as per my chart so I was emotional right now. She said "oh, is this your first? that's why". I felt completely dismissed with no level of compassion for what we were going through regardless of the number of women the hospital treats daily for miscarriages. There was also no thought of what my individual circumstances could possibly be, as we had been trying to conceive for a long time before this first pregnancy.
In the middle of the night I finally had the D&C. Dr. A told me he would hold my hand in the OR because my husband was not allowed there, and he did. I was slow to wake up so it was decided that I should stay overnight. Shortly after my husband left, I felt increasingly unwell. I was in a cold sweat and ready to pass out, however not in a nauseated way but I knew something drastic was happening to me. I kept pressing the nurse button and no one came, just hearing them outside chatting. I could hardly whisper to alert the other patients in the room to get help. Further, I could not even cognitively remember how to function my blackberry so I managed to dial my husband's phone number by heart. He was outside now and all I could whisper was "come back now". By the time he got up to the 10th floor using the really slow elevators, still no one had come. He took one look at my pale face and got help. Then a code was called and suddenly many people came. After a ECG, portable x-ray, and bloodwork, it was determined that I got aspiration pneumonia from the D&C which is incredibly rare and my blood pressure suddenly dropped from 110/70 to 60/40. I was told I was lucky I did not have a stroke. Yes, but actually I was lucky I was able to call my husband. When Dr. A left, I was scolded by the night nurse (male) that he asked me after the surgery if I was in pain, and I had said no (I had surgery before and the intubation had bothered my lower throat then too). It seemed he was embarrassed for not watching me closer.
I was in the hospital for three days. It seemed this nurse (male) did not remember why I was there in the first place. In private moments, I would sometimes break down as I couldn't fully deal with my grief in a shared room with others. The nurse would just ask my husband "why is she crying?" and again he would need to provide the reminder after being in his care. There was no awareness of the grief that couples go through.
On top of this, one particular younger patient in the bed next to me had an army of visitors who played music and boardgames. My husband had to repeatedly ask them to keep it down so I could sleep. The nurse only advised them once and we had to resort to carting my IV to the lounge so I could sleep on the couch there. In the middle of the night, I would just hear the nurses keep chatting some more.
I miscarried again in December of 2011, three days before Christmas. This time I was braced for what could arise but the D&C went well. When I woke up in the recovery room, the nurse (male) said to me that his sister had a couple miscarriages and they have a beautiful daughter now. He said "the next time I see you it'll be for your c-section". That is the type of compassion by a caregiver that means so much to a patient and something I remember to this day.
I have since had a total of four miscarriages and it is becoming increasingly apparent how there is a lack of pregnancy and infant loss awareness in society as the grief we endure is hardly spoken of. That awareness though is incredibly important for all caregivers to understand - that a loss of a baby though miscarriage should be treated as a loss, and not an outcome that is shrugged off due to statistics and a perception that it will be okay after a little while. Each patient's story is different and caregivers need to be mindful of that.
I write this now as I have realized that patient advocacy is fundamental to ensuring that hospitals are aware of the quality of care it provides and how specifically that care impacts patients in the long term. My hope is that some training and education can be done on this important topic.
Sincerely,
R.
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