Group

A few months ago, I decided to attend our fertility clinic's support group meeting. Yes, the "hi, my name is ___ and we having been trying to conceive for ____ years" (or some variation of that). It was nice to meet others, and some spoke more so than others - about twelve women. I found many women were quite nervous and others quite at home. After telling a summarized version of my story (they were a bit taken aback), and then listening to others, I felt I was able to give some advice to many of those women in the initial stages of infertility. The subject of loss was not addressed that night - maybe other times it was. It was about 75 minutes and not nearly enough time for us all to really talk. On my way out, I started speaking with one of the women who was silent during the meeting. She told me she didn't find the meeting too helpful and found the hospital's support group meeting quite good. It is actually at my work, so I was initially worried someone who knew me at work would find out but I decided to try it.  I easily found the room as the note on the door said "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Meeting". I thought "oh shit" and looked back down the hallway to see who was around before walking in. It happened to be right next to the maternity ward of all places as the room bookings were tight that day. There I met a small group of women, and one spouse, who were quite sullen but very gentle towards one another. The social worker who leads the meeting requested we give intros and briefly our stories since I was the newbie. They all began to tell their name, their child's name, and when they lost them. Some in the second trimester, others while in labour. I recognized one of them as the co-organizer of an awareness walk my close friends are part of - three bereaved families who are making a difference by advocating for research, education, and awareness about pregnancy and infant loss. Their babies were stillborn but they were still born. Loss, at any stage of pregnancy, should not be a taboo subject.

I felt quite out of place at first and told them so, but they told me that some of them had miscarriages and infertility too so many of the themes are quite similar. My jaw dropped when I heard how one woman had three miscarriages and then a stillborn. It is a two hour meeting, and at some points there are silences but it is not uncomfortable. Someone will start talking about the same theme or something else. After the meeting, they said they hope I wasn't scared off by their stories. I have been in contact with them a few times since, outside regular meetings. They have termed it the "baby loss friends".

There was a long hiatus during the holidays as the social worker was away. This was difficult for many of us knowing the holidays were going to be tough. One woman said a couple weeks ago that she feels the need for "group" soon. When my other friends ask me how were my holidays, I give the cheery answer, or the tempered answer, because no one wants to be the downer. When asked at group, the real answer comes out. For quite a few weeks now I felt I have been doing quite well, much more at peace and balanced despite knowing the last frozen cycle was coming up. Highly distracted with work craziness and my Master's project was probably a part of it but they were not the instigators. I made dinner for two different groups of old friends this past week, something I haven't done in ages because it has been hard to plan things when I am in my "2 week wait take it easy time" or "I'm pregnant and who knows if I'll miscarry time" or "I just miscarried and ain't in the mood to host time". Over the holidays, Gerry and I resolved to try to get some normalcy in our lives again. This was an attempt. After both dinners I started to feel quite blue. I felt the need for "group". I couldn't really pinpoint why, other than that need to really say how I feel and figure out if it is just me who feels awkward in some social situations and what to do about it when that occurs. 'Til group....