Being Childless

Being childless means seeing your social groups become suddenly infiltrated with babies, toddlers, and pre-school kids, knowing in time the adults will be outnumbered….
Being childless means going to a princess themed Christmas tree decorating party thinking about what theme I would have chosen with my child...
Being childless means finding childless things to happily talk about at those parties - upcoming vacations, hobbies, new restaurants you've been to ….
Being childless means finding the funds to do all those things above when money is tied up in trying to have a child, one way or another….
Being childless means far less enthusiasm to shop for another baby gift, birthday gift, Christmas gift, and even more resentment for the lack of thank you's received…
Being childless means a conscious procrastination to put up the Christmas tree...
Being childless means a lack of real purpose in my life knowing that life is what you make of it….
Being childless means feeling selfish for being sad as our lives could be much more unfortunate….
Being childless means a scary uncertainty about our future, a gaping hole in our present, and a desire to go back to the past.

Let life happen

My mom and I had a really good talk last week. She told me that once she hit the age of 40, the past 25 years have flown by so quickly for her. She is so sad about what is happening to us and wants so much for us to be parents and for her to be a grandmother, but she also said that you cannot always control what happens to you and to make the most of your life whatever path that leads to. Make the most of the time you have, focus on our marriage and to remember that I have been a mother in other ways from the foster children we raised and can continue to be if I want to volunteer, etc.

I'm trying to take that advice but it is still hard to focus on a future that may be so different than what we envisioned. It is also hard to just let life happen when it is so unfair that we have to make important decisions about what our next steps are.

I saw this today….good statement but in reality it can be very hard to follow.

Home Alone

I have been home for the past two days. Nine days after the ultrasound confirmation, the miscarriage has not actually occurred yet. My body still thinks I'm pregnant and as such I'm nauseated, bloated, hormonal and other things I'll spare you from reading. I took medication to induce it for two days in a row now but to no avail. I see my doctor tomorrow for an ultrasound and to discuss next steps such as minor surgery with or without anesthesia. Didn't have much luck on that in the past.

So I'm sitting here confined in my home. Unable to go outside in case I get a really bad cramp and it passes. I spoke with my Aunt yesterday about God. I believe in God and think that he/she/it wants us all to be good people and to have strength to persevere through challenging times in our lives, but I'm feeling conflicted again about his powers. I wrote about it a bit in the past: http://inlimbo1020.blogspot.ca/2012/12/my-confliction-with-god.html

I don't know if God has the power to control our destiny - I think it is predetermined for us. So when something good happens like a birth of a baby and people post God is Good, I get conflicted with that because I don't want to blame God for those babies who are not born. I think the importance of faith is to hope for the best possible outcome.

My Aunt said that when her son (my cousin who was like a brother to me) was taken from us at the age of 24, she thanked God for the 24 years she had with him and does not feel angry or resentful towards God. She said each person's time (passing) will come and we don't know when that will be. God then takes that person. So then she chooses to pray for the strength to be a good mother and grandmother to those still here. I admire that.

I still don't know if God has any determination in our destiny, but all I can pray for is that whatever our destiny is, I hope it is the way it is because that was the best path for us. If having a biological child of our own may result in something horrible that we do not have the strength to endure, maybe our destiny is saving us from further pain.

Maya Angelou passed away today and I have been re-reading a number of her quotes. I will also read her first autobiography again, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings".

Here is one of her many quotes that resonated with me today.

Listen to yourself and in that quietude you may hear the voice of God.

And this quote is why I choose to blog.

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

The Door

I haven't written in a long time about our baby status in a while.  I got pregnant in April and went through many first trimester symptoms unlike before - Gerry laughed each time I belched as it was a good sign…. but our ultrasound last week showed only a 50% chance of a viable pregnancy. The past week was really hard as we waited. Gerry had a few drinks (nothing to worry about as he hardly drinks) but I was upset/depressed/anxious and could hardly make dinner, we forgot to feed Moshi a few times, and patio cleanup/gardening over this past May long weekend never happened. I hardly slept last night. Today at the follow up I stared at the door of my changing room waiting to go in for my ultrasound. It was confirmed that we had our 5th miscarriage at 8 weeks. Three miscarriages were between 8 and 11 weeks and the other two were quite early. Our doctor wants to run some tests again but without going into the details this way, she said what happened with this last pregnancy was highly unusual.

It's been tough….we tried to stay "neutral" through this with no expectations but I thought I would hit 6 months of pregnancy when seeing family at my cousin's wedding in September and wanted to surprise them. Due date was December 29 so my maternity leave would have easily commenced in the New Year. We had felt good about this pregnancy. Right now we are trying to focus on next steps because my body still thinks I'm pregnant/ has symptoms, and we want to miscarry naturally or by pills this time rather than minor surgery. I left the clinic with a paper bag rather than an ultrasound picture. Now I have to carry around a specimen container to collect the tissue when it happens so it can be tested. Another ultrasound is scheduled next week to see where we are at.

I went home after the ultrasound, had a good cry, talked to my mom, and then laid in the sun in the park for a while. Then I started to re-read some of my blog posts - some happy, some sad, and some funny. I haven't blogged in a while but may start again soon as I found it helpful.  

There is no good way I can think of to end this post…. 

Year End

2013 was overall a better year for us despite going through our fourth miscarriage which ended quite early. Our second IVF cycle was very successful and I had worked through many issues about feeling quite alone and abandoned in this process. I now have a very small, close group of people who I can talk to about not only the status of where we are at but how I am feeling. I was always on the introvert/extrovert border as I am quite shy around new people but had a large social circle. Over the past few years I have become more introverted around some people who I do know, and less outgoing even around those I'm close to. But...I'm okay with that.

Gerry and I are on the island having a mini family vacation with Moshi at a beautiful bed and breakfast. Our family may not be as big as we had wanted at this point in our lives, but I'm happy it's just us.

So on NYE, I know that with our remaining frozen embryos, 2014 is either going to be a good year or very difficult. Either way, all I hope for is the strength to get through it.

Oh, that...

Yesterday I defended my Master's thesis. After four years I finally finished it and I am very proud of that accomplishment. Then it hit me today that it is time to look at when we are going to try implanting our latest batch of frozen embryos. Oh, that...

Cohorts

Today, I landed in the next age cohort illustrated in the countless infertility graphs found online and at our clinic. Age 38-40 tends to be a common cluster where the pregnancy success rate lowers, but not as drastically as when you hit age 40. Apparently I'm a 38 year old with fabulous eggs, and with the infusion of my husband's hand-picked-magical-sperm, they produce spectacular embryos. But, it's been 4 years now of trying to conceive a viable pregnancy and I've got a couple decent years left before it might be time to call it a day. On Friday I made sure to touch up my grey hair before this blessed event to reduce the sting of being moved into this cohort of even higher-anxiety-prone women. So as much as I was dreading my birthday, I also started to embrace it. No crying on your birthday!

A couple days ago I was chatting with a friend of mine who was approaching age 50. We talked about how much we thought we knew when we were in our early twenties and how we challenged things via our actions, conversational debates, and mannerisms. I reflected that I've mellowed a lot over the years, and it wasn't until my early thirties where I started noticing that I did not care much for, or chose purposely to not overly exert my opinion in discussing politics, family squabbles, unhealthy conflict, etc. My energy was best used elsewhere. My friend said,  "See, THAT comes with age". I agreed.

I think this patience and purposeful energy redirection (for lack of a better phrase) comes from aging in regards to "this issue is really nothing compared to some other shit going on", and also due to our infertility roller coaster which requires myself to give up having much control over my life direction, thereby learning to be patient and somewhat accepting throughout the journey. THAT will make me either a better parent one day, or a childless woman with other fruits to bear.

Picture of Moshi this morning: I was playing peek-a-boo with her with our bedcover (don't judge, this is my blog) and on the third one she made a giant leap from sitting position on the floor to the edge of our very high captain's bed, a place she is not allowed unless invited up only a few special times of the year. 

I guess she knew today was special and didn't need an invitation.