Home Alone

I have been home for the past two days. Nine days after the ultrasound confirmation, the miscarriage has not actually occurred yet. My body still thinks I'm pregnant and as such I'm nauseated, bloated, hormonal and other things I'll spare you from reading. I took medication to induce it for two days in a row now but to no avail. I see my doctor tomorrow for an ultrasound and to discuss next steps such as minor surgery with or without anesthesia. Didn't have much luck on that in the past.

So I'm sitting here confined in my home. Unable to go outside in case I get a really bad cramp and it passes. I spoke with my Aunt yesterday about God. I believe in God and think that he/she/it wants us all to be good people and to have strength to persevere through challenging times in our lives, but I'm feeling conflicted again about his powers. I wrote about it a bit in the past: http://inlimbo1020.blogspot.ca/2012/12/my-confliction-with-god.html

I don't know if God has the power to control our destiny - I think it is predetermined for us. So when something good happens like a birth of a baby and people post God is Good, I get conflicted with that because I don't want to blame God for those babies who are not born. I think the importance of faith is to hope for the best possible outcome.

My Aunt said that when her son (my cousin who was like a brother to me) was taken from us at the age of 24, she thanked God for the 24 years she had with him and does not feel angry or resentful towards God. She said each person's time (passing) will come and we don't know when that will be. God then takes that person. So then she chooses to pray for the strength to be a good mother and grandmother to those still here. I admire that.

I still don't know if God has any determination in our destiny, but all I can pray for is that whatever our destiny is, I hope it is the way it is because that was the best path for us. If having a biological child of our own may result in something horrible that we do not have the strength to endure, maybe our destiny is saving us from further pain.

Maya Angelou passed away today and I have been re-reading a number of her quotes. I will also read her first autobiography again, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings".

Here is one of her many quotes that resonated with me today.

Listen to yourself and in that quietude you may hear the voice of God.

And this quote is why I choose to blog.

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.