I have been home for the past two days. Nine days after the ultrasound confirmation, the miscarriage has not actually occurred yet. My body still thinks I'm pregnant and as such I'm nauseated, bloated, hormonal and other things I'll spare you from reading. I took medication to induce it for two days in a row now but to no avail. I see my doctor tomorrow for an ultrasound and to discuss next steps such as minor surgery with or without anesthesia. Didn't have much luck on that in the past.
So I'm sitting here confined in my home. Unable to go outside in case I get a really bad cramp and it passes. I spoke with my Aunt yesterday about God. I believe in God and think that he/she/it wants us all to be good people and to have strength to persevere through challenging times in our lives, but I'm feeling conflicted again about his powers. I wrote about it a bit in the past: http://inlimbo1020.blogspot.ca/2012/12/my-confliction-with-god.html
I don't know if God has the power to control our destiny - I think it is predetermined for us. So when something good happens like a birth of a baby and people post God is Good, I get conflicted with that because I don't want to blame God for those babies who are not born. I think the importance of faith is to hope for the best possible outcome.
My Aunt said that when her son (my cousin who was like a brother to me) was taken from us at the age of 24, she thanked God for the 24 years she had with him and does not feel angry or resentful towards God. She said each person's time (passing) will come and we don't know when that will be. God then takes that person. So then she chooses to pray for the strength to be a good mother and grandmother to those still here. I admire that.
I still don't know if God has any determination in our destiny, but all I can pray for is that whatever our destiny is, I hope it is the way it is because that was the best path for us. If having a biological child of our own may result in something horrible that we do not have the strength to endure, maybe our destiny is saving us from further pain.
Maya Angelou passed away today and I have been re-reading a number of her quotes. I will also read her first autobiography again, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings".
Here is one of her many quotes that resonated with me today.
Listen to yourself and in that quietude you may hear the voice of God.
And this quote is why I choose to blog.
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
The Door
I haven't written in a long time about our baby status in a while. I got pregnant in April and went through many first trimester symptoms unlike before - Gerry laughed each time I belched as it was a good sign…. but our ultrasound last week showed only a 50% chance of a viable pregnancy. The past week was really hard as we waited. Gerry had a few drinks (nothing to worry about as he hardly drinks) but I was upset/depressed/anxious and could hardly make dinner, we forgot to feed Moshi a few times, and patio cleanup/gardening over this past May long weekend never happened. I hardly slept last night. Today at the follow up I stared at the door of my changing room waiting to go in for my ultrasound. It was confirmed that we had our 5th miscarriage at 8 weeks. Three miscarriages were between 8 and 11 weeks and the other two were quite early. Our doctor wants to run some tests again but without going into the details this way, she said what happened with this last pregnancy was highly unusual.
It's been tough….we tried to stay "neutral" through this with no expectations but I thought I would hit 6 months of pregnancy when seeing family at my cousin's wedding in September and wanted to surprise them. Due date was December 29 so my maternity leave would have easily commenced in the New Year. We had felt good about this pregnancy. Right now we are trying to focus on next steps because my body still thinks I'm pregnant/ has symptoms, and we want to miscarry naturally or by pills this time rather than minor surgery. I left the clinic with a paper bag rather than an ultrasound picture. Now I have to carry around a specimen container to collect the tissue when it happens so it can be tested. Another ultrasound is scheduled next week to see where we are at.
I went home after the ultrasound, had a good cry, talked to my mom, and then laid in the sun in the park for a while. Then I started to re-read some of my blog posts - some happy, some sad, and some funny. I haven't blogged in a while but may start again soon as I found it helpful.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Year End
2013 was overall a better year for us despite going through our fourth miscarriage which ended quite early. Our second IVF cycle was very successful and I had worked through many issues about feeling quite alone and abandoned in this process. I now have a very small, close group of people who I can talk to about not only the status of where we are at but how I am feeling. I was always on the introvert/extrovert border as I am quite shy around new people but had a large social circle. Over the past few years I have become more introverted around some people who I do know, and less outgoing even around those I'm close to. But...I'm okay with that.
Gerry and I are on the island having a mini family vacation with Moshi at a beautiful bed and breakfast. Our family may not be as big as we had wanted at this point in our lives, but I'm happy it's just us.
So on NYE, I know that with our remaining frozen embryos, 2014 is either going to be a good year or very difficult. Either way, all I hope for is the strength to get through it.
Gerry and I are on the island having a mini family vacation with Moshi at a beautiful bed and breakfast. Our family may not be as big as we had wanted at this point in our lives, but I'm happy it's just us.
So on NYE, I know that with our remaining frozen embryos, 2014 is either going to be a good year or very difficult. Either way, all I hope for is the strength to get through it.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Oh, that...
Yesterday I defended my Master's thesis. After four years I finally finished it and I am very proud of that accomplishment. Then it hit me today that it is time to look at when we are going to try implanting our latest batch of frozen embryos. Oh, that...
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Cohorts
Today, I landed in the next age cohort illustrated in the countless infertility graphs found online and at our clinic. Age 38-40 tends to be a common cluster where the pregnancy success rate lowers, but not as drastically as when you hit age 40. Apparently I'm a 38 year old with fabulous eggs, and with the infusion of my husband's hand-picked-magical-sperm, they produce spectacular embryos. But, it's been 4 years now of trying to conceive a viable pregnancy and I've got a couple decent years left before it might be time to call it a day. On Friday I made sure to touch up my grey hair before this blessed event to reduce the sting of being moved into this cohort of even higher-anxiety-prone women. So as much as I was dreading my birthday, I also started to embrace it. No crying on your birthday!
A couple days ago I was chatting with a friend of mine who was approaching age 50. We talked about how much we thought we knew when we were in our early twenties and how we challenged things via our actions, conversational debates, and mannerisms. I reflected that I've mellowed a lot over the years, and it wasn't until my early thirties where I started noticing that I did not care much for, or chose purposely to not overly exert my opinion in discussing politics, family squabbles, unhealthy conflict, etc. My energy was best used elsewhere. My friend said, "See, THAT comes with age". I agreed.
I think this patience and purposeful energy redirection (for lack of a better phrase) comes from aging in regards to "this issue is really nothing compared to some other shit going on", and also due to our infertility roller coaster which requires myself to give up having much control over my life direction, thereby learning to be patient and somewhat accepting throughout the journey. THAT will make me either a better parent one day, or a childless woman with other fruits to bear.
A couple days ago I was chatting with a friend of mine who was approaching age 50. We talked about how much we thought we knew when we were in our early twenties and how we challenged things via our actions, conversational debates, and mannerisms. I reflected that I've mellowed a lot over the years, and it wasn't until my early thirties where I started noticing that I did not care much for, or chose purposely to not overly exert my opinion in discussing politics, family squabbles, unhealthy conflict, etc. My energy was best used elsewhere. My friend said, "See, THAT comes with age". I agreed.
I think this patience and purposeful energy redirection (for lack of a better phrase) comes from aging in regards to "this issue is really nothing compared to some other shit going on", and also due to our infertility roller coaster which requires myself to give up having much control over my life direction, thereby learning to be patient and somewhat accepting throughout the journey. THAT will make me either a better parent one day, or a childless woman with other fruits to bear.
Picture of Moshi this morning: I was playing peek-a-boo with her with our bedcover (don't judge, this is my blog) and on the third one she made a giant leap from sitting position on the floor to the edge of our very high captain's bed, a place she is not allowed unless invited up only a few special times of the year.
I guess she knew today was special and didn't need an invitation.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Sunrise
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Local bereaved parents were able to get BC Place stadium to recognize this day by changing their lights to purple and blue on October 15th. We woke up this morning to this beautiful site from the view of our bedroom.
p.s. Big day - I copied this post to my Facebook account. Trying to be a bit indirectly open about myself.
BC Place glows purple and blue to raise awareness for pregnancy and infant loss
For immediate release
BC Place glows purple and blue to raise awareness for pregnancy and infant loss
October 15, 2013 has been proclaimed Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day by the Province of British Columbia. This is an important acknowledgement of the trauma and grief that hundreds of families face after the devastating tragedy of the death of their baby. Vancouver will join other major Canadian cities in marking this day thanks to BC Place, which will light up the stadium roof in purple and blue on October 15 in remembrance and honour of the children who have died far too early.
In 2011 BC Vital Statistics reported 441 stillbirths and 167 infant deaths in British Columbia alone. These statistics do not include the high number of miscarriages that occur before 20 weeks of pregnancy. Despite the technological and medical advances in other fields of medicine, the rate of stillbirth in developed countries has not declined significantly over the past 20 years and often the cause of a stillbirth remains unknown.
Additionally, the death of a child is a stigmatized tragedy. It is only rarely talked about in public despite a growing number of bereaved families who blog about their experience or speak up publicly to bring awareness to these tragedies. "To me one of the big shocks was how many people came forward and told us about their own story of loss after our first son had died. We would have never known otherwise." says Jens Locher who initiated the BC Childloss Support Network (BCCSN).
"The story of each family is unique with its own challenges and there will likely never be simple guidelines how to support bereaved parents. However, many parents seem to struggle with the lack of acknowledgement of the existence of their babies." October 15 provides an opportunity for everyone to reach out in a sensitive way to friends or colleagues who have lost a child. A little note that a candle is lit in memory of a child, or mentioning their names are just two ways to remember the children.
If you would like to make a financial contribution there are many fantastic initiatives and organizations in British Columbia that provide invaluable support to bereaved parents, such as Canuck Place Children's Hospice, Still Life Canada or Little Spirits Garden.
BC Place glows purple and blue to raise awareness for pregnancy and infant loss
October 15, 2013 has been proclaimed Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day by the Province of British Columbia. This is an important acknowledgement of the trauma and grief that hundreds of families face after the devastating tragedy of the death of their baby. Vancouver will join other major Canadian cities in marking this day thanks to BC Place, which will light up the stadium roof in purple and blue on October 15 in remembrance and honour of the children who have died far too early.
In 2011 BC Vital Statistics reported 441 stillbirths and 167 infant deaths in British Columbia alone. These statistics do not include the high number of miscarriages that occur before 20 weeks of pregnancy. Despite the technological and medical advances in other fields of medicine, the rate of stillbirth in developed countries has not declined significantly over the past 20 years and often the cause of a stillbirth remains unknown.
Additionally, the death of a child is a stigmatized tragedy. It is only rarely talked about in public despite a growing number of bereaved families who blog about their experience or speak up publicly to bring awareness to these tragedies. "To me one of the big shocks was how many people came forward and told us about their own story of loss after our first son had died. We would have never known otherwise." says Jens Locher who initiated the BC Childloss Support Network (BCCSN).
"The story of each family is unique with its own challenges and there will likely never be simple guidelines how to support bereaved parents. However, many parents seem to struggle with the lack of acknowledgement of the existence of their babies." October 15 provides an opportunity for everyone to reach out in a sensitive way to friends or colleagues who have lost a child. A little note that a candle is lit in memory of a child, or mentioning their names are just two ways to remember the children.
If you would like to make a financial contribution there are many fantastic initiatives and organizations in British Columbia that provide invaluable support to bereaved parents, such as Canuck Place Children's Hospice, Still Life Canada or Little Spirits Garden.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Poolside
We're on vacation in Palm Springs for a week before we head to San Diego for the second week. We were happy that our room at the resort was 20 feet away from the pool, so it was really right in our backyard. Then we found out it was the family pool. There was another family pool and two other adult pools in the resort and we thought about whether we should head somewhere more quiet, especially because I need to work on my Master's project this first week. Gerry said he'ld rather choose kids over drunken adults, and I agreed albeit reminding him that years ago we too were drunken adults at the pool. He nodded. No wonder the hot tub was empty at night, they were all putting the kids to bed. Woo-hoo!
Despite the front desk saying they were at full capacity, the resort was very quiet. The first day at our pool had three young families and a couple of seniors. I knew all the kids names just by overhearing the conversations: Cameron, Dylan, Mason.... One 31 year old mom of two kids who was a couple years older than her husband was called a cougar by another dad. Then I would overhear the moms talk of pregnancy stretch marks, breast feeding dilemmas, and then tales of their friends who have bad morning sickness. One had responded "that's soooo sad". I bit my lip and put my headphones on. Another mom, when responding to joining them on vacation next year, said she should be pregnant again by then so they cannot commit yet. I turned up the music some more. The dads multi-tasked between football updates on their ipads, and picking up a towel a toddler threw in the pool then covering the toddler with the wet towel. Why can't the dads just be at poolside?
Then for the rest of the week, no more kids....just 2-4 senior couples. One couple was skyping with their grandchild. Another had just retired. We were the youth of the club. Despite my happiness for peace and quiet and my ability to relax as much as possible given the qualitative data coding in progress, I then realized we didn't fit in with either group. So, where do the childless couples vacation? Aren't there more of us?
Despite the front desk saying they were at full capacity, the resort was very quiet. The first day at our pool had three young families and a couple of seniors. I knew all the kids names just by overhearing the conversations: Cameron, Dylan, Mason.... One 31 year old mom of two kids who was a couple years older than her husband was called a cougar by another dad. Then I would overhear the moms talk of pregnancy stretch marks, breast feeding dilemmas, and then tales of their friends who have bad morning sickness. One had responded "that's soooo sad". I bit my lip and put my headphones on. Another mom, when responding to joining them on vacation next year, said she should be pregnant again by then so they cannot commit yet. I turned up the music some more. The dads multi-tasked between football updates on their ipads, and picking up a towel a toddler threw in the pool then covering the toddler with the wet towel. Why can't the dads just be at poolside?
Then for the rest of the week, no more kids....just 2-4 senior couples. One couple was skyping with their grandchild. Another had just retired. We were the youth of the club. Despite my happiness for peace and quiet and my ability to relax as much as possible given the qualitative data coding in progress, I then realized we didn't fit in with either group. So, where do the childless couples vacation? Aren't there more of us?
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