Last week we went through our fourth miscarriage; fifth loss. I was at 5 weeks this time with our last two frozen embryos. We had hope with my beta levels (hcg bloodtests) rising well, but then it crashed. I went through hell the first day and then some sort of resolution and work busy-ness distraction for the rest of the week. By friday evening I was angry and upset. I refrained from calling friends who had not touched base with me in a while, and then I thought to call my babyloss friends but my cell battery started to die! Really though, I have difficulty picking up the phone when I'm like that. Gerry was watching the hockey game on TV and I wanted him to enjoy that time. My plan for saturday morning was to go to the gym and then yoga in the afternoon - a time to just concentrate on me again. But then I woke up with my bleed and really bad pelvic pain. My eyes were sore and hard to open. It was hard to even get out of bed I was so tired. Then that got me emotional again that I couldn't do things as planned. Gerry said my body just wasn't ready yet and he was right.
There is so much to write about. My goal for the next few months is to chip away at the chronic stress in my life since we got engaged.....stay tuned for the venting and resolutions.
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